December 7th, 2020

on the res

triggered

Did i write about the time i was made to declare my pronouns?

It was when i went to that company all hands in the UK back in January. The (obviously not representative) LGBT group in the company decided that as part of registration people should pick a pronoun badge. There was he, she, they and a blank one, on which you could write your own. I found the whole concept offensive and creepy, so i picked a blank one and didn't write anything on it. But then, i fucking got asked by people why i didn't write anything on it! The fuck!

It just... ugh. I mean, i just fucking hate public pronoun declarations. I hate them, i hate them, i hate them. They are a massive shove-it-in-your-face reminder that i don't get to just be me. I am forced to be some kind of stupid fucking linguistical "gender", because some fucking guy decided thousands of years ago that he needed to have a special word to refer to "that person over there", because for whatever reason he thought their sex actually mattered in the context of whatever he was trying to say. Almost certainly it didn't. Gender fucking sucks, it's stupid, and i want no part of it. I opt out of the whole dumb thing.

Which, i mean, 5 years ago or 10 years ago just meant you were basically... any person who wasn't sexist. But now - apparently - that means you're non-binary? Or something?

The whole pronoun shit rekindles gender dysphoria in me that i thought i dealt with long ago! It's forcibly trying to reprioritize things that seemed to have been finally becoming less relevant in society.

It just drives me absolutely nuts. Every time i see a pronoun listed on LinkedIn - especially because in my network literally 100% of the time it isn't a fucking trans person who has it listed - i want to scream. It's just yet another reminder that the current wave of activists are dragging society kicking and screaming back into the 1970s, or some other useless decade when people wanted to split everyone into men or women.

God, it irritates me so much.

The worst part, which is how i felt when i was put on the spot, is that i had to fucking out myself! You know? Like, normally, i can just quietly be trans and it doesn't matter to anyone. I don't need to walk around declaring to everyone my "gender", which aside from the fact that i think gender is stupid, i also don't think it needs to be something that i share with everybody. We don't walk around all day telling everyone our personal shit. I dunno, i feel like if my company had asked people to put on a badge that showed their religion "in solidarity with atheists" there would be a fucking outrage.

It just grosses me out so much. LinkedIn is where i see it most these days, but i was just reading some stuff about the Slack/Salesforce merger and that's what sent me down spiralling again, remembering that this shit happened on Slack and Teams too, back when i was in the office. And the fucking bots! The bots that every time someone typed "guys" there would be an automatic response saying that "guys" is patriarchal or transphobic or whatever, so please use another term. Just constant, non-stop reminders that everything must be gendered, and everyone must be a man or a woman (else non-binary), and not just... not just a fucking person.

God, i hate the tech industry so much. It is the worst fucking industry.

Anyway, yeah, i'm triggered. Reading an article about an app i used to use at work triggered me about gender, because that's just how awful my industry is. They can't just let the workers be workers. I feel dirty.

Grumble grumble.

Incidentally, this was shoehorned into last week's Star Trek episode too (which i watched this morning), as if a thousand years into the future, in an alien race which literally has lifetimes of male and female memories inside it, the kids are still going to be awkward about asking to be referred to as "they". I suppose kids are going to be awkward about everything, but still.

I know this is one of my longtime beefs that i am just going to need to get over to be able to operate in my corner of society. Things are going backwards and that's just the way it is. I have been trying to become more compassionate about identity, and the people who really, deeply identify with a certain group. Like, whether that's their gender or nationality or whatever. I know that's their experience and that it's real. I know people identify so strongly with whatever the thing is that they feel they absolutely cannot live without it. But also i'm not sure if the way to raise awareness about the connection they have with their identity is to push everyone else to classify themselves. I do understand the theory is that the only reason anyone could possibly not want to classify themself is because they have so much privilege that they don't need to. And i'm not denying my privileges, but come on, i'm not exactly on top of the privilege pyramid here.

Anyway. It's frustrating and now i feel icky. If the goal of this is to make trans people relive their gender dysphoria from 20 fucking years ago, mission accomplished.

I am going to make a burrito.