July 15th, 2021

on the res

the trans community is bullshit

Except... it isn't quite bullshit.

I am done being trans. Being trans was so fucking 20 years ago. I decided i wanted to be a girl, i did my transition, i got my surgery, the fucking end, i'm done with being trans.

Except, i suppose, you're never really done, are you?

Last month was Pride month, and my oldest friend jenndolari answered a whole month of candid questions about her experiences as a trans person. I was thinking about doing the same questions but then i was like, nah nah, i can't do that. I'm over it. I'm past it.

But i'm fucking not.

It's not my fault, really. It's society's fault. It's society that jams this concept of gender down our throats. Some people like to say oh, well, gender is just a function of hormones and evolution and bla bla bla but FUCK YOU.

Gender is stupid. It always was stupid, it always will be stupid, and i wish i lived in the universe where it never existed.

Another LJ friend recently made a private post sharing this nifty pop philosophy video about social constructs. I want to share it because it touches on a lot of the things that i have spent way too much time thinking about over the years.

Social Constructs | Philosophy Tube

I am in tears right now because YOU GUYS, I HAVE GENDER DYSPHORIA.

I still do. Still today, after i transitioned, after i became a woman legally, after i got the surgery, and then i was like, holy shit, being a woman sucks in different ways from being a man, but it still FUCKING SUCKS.

I bought a couple of stand-to-pee devices recently, as part of my prep for my bike tour. I am perfectly capable of squatting to pee - hell, in China that's the standard stance - but when you're halfway along a trail with a pack on your back, or when you're on the side of the road with cars blasting by, it's still more convenient to just whip it out and piss on fence post, instead of dropping trou and hiding behind a bush from the wild roaming rapists of America, then getting your ass chomped by a dozen insects anyway.

Stand-to-pee devices are the baddest ass fucking shit. All penis-lacking people should get one, or at least try it. It's liberating. My current recommendation is the pStyle, but that might change as i try a few more.

Of course, if you don't pay attention, things go south. Although... i suppose that's how it is for people with penises too.

Anyway, the point is there are aspects of being a woman in society that are fine and sometimes pretty neat. But there are also aspects of having transitioned to a female-ish body that are a massive pain in the ass. Like not being able to easily stand and pee. But then there are aspects of have a male-ish body that suck too, like unwanted erections. Or, just the penis in general, to be honest. It's terribly inconvenient at literally all times that you are not peeing. And, i guess, men have a social pressure too - to be masculine - which fucking sucks also. It all sucks.

And it doesn't need to be that way. It really doesn't. We don't need to divide our society like this. Biology be damned. Gender is fucking stupid.

And then i got drunk, not from personal choice, but because my landlord bought me liquor as a thank you for letting a prospective buyer come through with less than 48 hours notice. I've told my landlord i'm an alcoholic, but i don't think she really understands my problem. If there is alcohol in the house, i will drink it. Till the end. That's just how it works. I am not the kind of alcoholic that will run out every single day to buy more booze. But if it's there, i will drink it. Until i pass out. I will drink everything. That's how it works for me.

So, i got drunk, and then i was watching the new Leverage (which is great, by the way), and then Charlotte Sometimes came into my head, which i don't even know why. Probably because the last 24 hours i have been watching fucking Philosophy Tube (whose creator came out as trans earlier this year) and yesterday i got my second shot so i am kind of delirious and i'm boozed up and, fuck.

And Charlotte Sometimes, the original song, i don't like it as much as the version on the 1984 concert album. Here it is.

THE CURE Charlotte Sometimes Live Oxford

I cried and cried to that song as a young, confused trannie. The funny thing about the song is that it was actually written about some time travel novel that i never read... but the lyrics speak to this sense of alienation, of feeling outside yourself, or outside everyone else's understanding of who you should be... So it fits very well to the trans experience. And, you know, the first person who ever introduced me to The Cure was a trans person.

When i first met her, she was a he, and she had this idea in her head that trans people must all be sex workers or weird kinky people or something. And then she met me and she was like, wow, i didn't realize y'all could be just normal. And we shared an enjoyment of John Varley's 1992 novel Steel Beach, where the main character changes their sex on a whim and it's no big deal.

That friend, she ended up going much more hardcore into the "trans community" than i ever did. We were both tech workers, and we were both trans, but she bought into that whole social justice angle and trying to be out and proud and fuck anyone who disagrees because they're fascists and bla bla bla. We lost touch. Because in the end i saw being trans as something more like John Varley's take. It should just be some cosmetic surgery that you do and nobody should give a fuck because gender is stupid.

Gender is stupid.

I didn't realize that at the time. I thought it was so very important at the time. Gender was everything. But later i realized it was stupid, and i realized that my motivation to change my sex was never about gender, it was just about getting rid of sex hormones, because sex is stupid too.

I am so happy to not have any testosterone, or estrogen, and just be a blank. Except society still forces me to be one or the other, so according to the law i am an "F", and have now spent the majority of my life as one. It's too much hassle to change to an "X". Even though i think everyone should be an "X".

Pronoun declarations are stupid, just like gender. Everyone should be a they. But they aren't, so. Yeah. Here we are. Forever reinforcing this stupidity.

all the faces
all the voices blur
change to one face
change to one voice

Sometimes i'm dreaming, and those times are better.

I don't know what my point was. I needed to write something to stop myself from crying. When i started i was just crying and crying for a girl who died so many years before.


Dysphoria fucking sucks.

I need to get out of here.
on the res

i was doing so well

It's been a few weeks since i drank more than one or two beers. Like, that's how i control it, i only buy one or two, and then i only drink one or two. And, lately, that's only been once a week or so. Alcohol fucking sucks.

I have this problem where if i look at something then it manifests. I can't remember what the prompt was to listen to The Cure last night, but then autobiographical association happened and Alien Sex Fiend came into my head, and specifically the song Manic Depression, and now i can't get it out of my head.

I'm not ignorant. I know that spending months barely leaving the house and feeling unmotivated to do anything was about more than just winter and the pandemic. I know that this rapid turnaround into buying more shit than i have bought in years is not just savvy travel planning. That's part of it too, of course, but it's not the whole story. It's the insidiousness of mental illness, i suppose, how it wraps itself around your everyday life, and people on the outside looking in just think, meh, that's normal, no big deal.

But, i mean, i did get diagnosed by several different specialists. I was on medication for many years. I did spend time as a psychiatric inpatient. That stuff happened. It wasn't just a weird phase in my 20s. I still live with those emotional shifts, i just manage them much better now because i don't have any friends or family to shine a light on it.

Most of the time i never think about being trans, or manic depressive, or whatever. Because most of the time it doesn't really make a lot of waves. I live a simple life, i live like a hermit, nobody really has to put up with my shit. When strangers get too familiar, when i start getting recognized, i leave. I don't let myself get defined by how other people see me.

But sometimes - not often, because i've gotten good at avoiding it - something triggers a bit of introspection. A deeper form of introspection than my mild navel-gazing of the past few years, something that digs up old memories of gender dysphoria or depression or mania or delusions and then it sends me spinning. And then the emotions domino and i feel right on the verge of cracking. And then i get that thing where you're on the edge of a cliff, and you just wanna jump because - fuck - it's going to feel incredible, for a brief moment, isn't it?

This is what i mean where if i look at something then it manifests. Choosing not to look at certain things isn't me trying to escape my truth, or avoid dealing with my problems. I have done more than enough of that in my life, thank you very much. It's just a coping mechanism. It's how i have learned to live without medication, it's how i have learned to live relatively happy, stable and at peace. I won't make apologies for it.

But... that said... doesn't mean that the madness isn't still there, that these things don't impact me, quietly.

I need to go outside and get some fresh air, try to break out of the spiral. But outside the air is thick with wildfire smoke. I can taste it in the back of my throat, even inside the house with all the windows closed. The hangover isn't helping either.

It probably wasn't a great idea to watch the live stream hosted by Tk'emlúps te Secwépemc about the findings on the site of the residential school just across the river.

Although... it does provide some perspective. Some have been through a lot worse than me, and they kept going. So will i. The only way out is through.

I gave my notice. I will be out of here by August 15.