amw (amw) wrote,

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bleary eyed moenster!

It seems i'm still alive. Actually, this Christmas break has been really good for me. It gave me time to relax and cook myself nice dinners and things i haven't done for me in a long time. I realized there were a bunch of things i stopped cooking because J didn't like them, and then a bunch more i stopped cooking when she moved out because i was too tired after work and didn't feel it was worth the effort to cook for one. Then since that bout of gastro i turned almost completely vegetarian, which could be interesting if i liked cooked vegetables, but since i don't i've been subsisting primarily on fake meat and cheese and carrots. No way to live.

One thing that really bummed me out this year was realizing that Orphan's Christmas isn't a Thing here. It didn't really occur to me until now because in 2009 i was in some weird psychotic dream world and then 2010 and 2011 i was out of the country. But this year i actually made a few friends and was looking forward to an epic Christmas party like we had back in Aus, where even if we didn't get together during the day we'd always catch up when the clubs opened. But yah, not a Thing. Even my friends who are distant from their families still made the effort to spend the holidays with them. It's not that i particularly need or want to do something special for Christmas (we never really celebrated it much growing up), but i had 5 days off work and wanted to have a crazy weekend with my friends while i had the time to really enjoy it, you know? Didn't happen. The big thing here is Boxing Day parties. Which is kinda dumb when the 27th is a work day for most people. In a fit of defiance i bought a presale ticket to one of the gigs telling myself i would be responsible and head home around 3am and get a few hours sleep before work. That didn't happen either. I could blame the weather - last night's was the first snowfall of the winter and we got more in a few hours than through the entirety of last winter combined. There were fuck all cabs and none of the streets were plowed, so it was safer to just stay in the club. As it turned out, i had an amazing night, but i was dead by the time i got home. No way i was heading back downtown again after finally getting warm and cozy in bed, so i worked from home. Got almost everything done i'd scheduled for myself today, but now i am beyond exhausted. So tomorrow will suck too, though i will show my face.

I did have a nice turkey dinner with M on Christmas Eve, which was sorely overdue, since we hardly get time alone now that her boy is officially moved in. And the week before i had dinner with my friend L who i haven't seen in ages due to her busy work schedule. Seeing her was a huge breath of fresh air; she really makes a concerted effort to live her life in a positive way and it's inspiring. I think especially because it's not in that annoying self-important way, it feels authentic. People used to say that about me... And of course i see R every week and we get stupidly drunk on school nights. Man, just thinking about it, i seriously need some guy friends.

It definitely gets harder to make friends as you get older. It's always been hard for me anyway because i'm shy and have traveled so much i don't really have a lot of shared background with the people i meet. I find i'll get to know someone briefly because of a shared interest at the time but then it'll die off somehow. It's a little ridiculous i sometimes have longer exchanges with random musicians around the world whose music i appreciate than i do with people i actually see out at parties here on a regular basis. But then perhaps it's also nice to have all these different avenues of contact with people, even if it is just a "Like" or something equally inane. L said something to me about this when we were having dinner. How we always hunt around for that "real" friendship, someone to hang with where it "means" something... But who says we need that? There's nothing wrong with just superficial socializing with people, sharing a few fun moments together so you're not alone, it's not like you're losing anything. And i never really thought of it that way.

One thing i am very sure about after this year is that i'm really reluctant to get into another "relationship". I know i'm still going to fall in love with people and love so fiercely it hurts hurts hurts. But if i'm really honest i don't think i want to get back into a situation where i am living with someone, where my life is getting changed from the outside and i have to consider two people in every freakin decision i make. It always starts out "i love you how you are" and then they don't, because people change, and if you want to keep your relationship then you have to both change on the same path, and that sucks. I'm coming up on 6 months single and fucking celibate now, which is the longest combo since i was a teenager. And it's okay.

Rambling. Delirious. Going to sleep now.
Tags: looking back

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