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drinkin water from a bottle
I've been back on my meds for 2-3 months straight now after a very irregular stint in 2012. For most of that time i have not for the life of me been able to get up earlier than 9am. I also kinda fell out of the habit of writing music, which sucks. It's not that i'm not interested, i'm just not motivated. I get to work late because i wake up so late. I work late to make up for it. By the time i'm home and have had dinner i'm exhausted. Then i lie in bed and watch TV till i pass out. Then it happens again. My life has taken on that very blah sheen that is precisely the thing i hate so much about being on medication. I don't feel like i'm about to flip out. I'm not about to kill myself. But one day blends into the next and i'm not motivated to do anything, even the things i made a list to do at the beginning of the year. It's worse than depression. Or it's a more insidious form of depression. It's like being married again. When i talk to friends i bitch about my job or this or that, but then i don't do anything about it because i'm comfortable and in some weird rut of "contentment", yet so far from happy. I'm not emailing anyone, but this isn't the not-emailing thing where i'm so absorbed with or excited about filling my life with other stuff that i don't wanna sit down and type (like most of last year). It's the not-emailing thing i've spent most of the rest of my adult life doing where all the passion has been sucked out of me. I'm not sure what happened this week, but i've actually been waking up around 7:30am, even on those nights i lie in bed unable to fall asleep till 2 or 3 in the morning. But instead of showering and heading into work early for a change, i just keep lying here. Now i'm writing a journal entry and will be late again. I don't know what to do. Only escape is the bottle, and the longer i'm on my meds the less appealing that even is, which should be a good thing, but instead it's just taking away the one excuse i had left for not getting shit done. When you are sober and sane and life is still slipping through your fingers you wonder why you even bothered in the first place.

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Hey, you know what've just come up to my mind: do you actually like Pink? For some reason I think you SO MUCH do.

It's interesting you would see her in my writing. I actually don't like her music much at all, although my ex J did :) She does seem to have quite an independent and strong personality, which i appreciate, but i think perhaps i find her a bit too "girly" to identify with a lot of the time. That said, there aren't many singers that i identify with because i don't really listen to the lyrics in songs - for me it's all about the groove and the melody.

Always the catch 22 isn't it? Everyone searches for excitement or something to make them feel strong feelings. Most of us aren't happy with just being and basic contentment.... but then in the search for these 'high high's'...we actually become depressed about the whole situation.

I have been thinking about this a bit lately and I think I need to learn to just be happy with 'good enough' rather than finding 'awesome, amazing, out of this world, perfection'. *shrugs*

I know you know this already but a bottle isn't going to better you, help you or make you feel better in the long run. It'll just dull the present...

Have you been doing your morning pages? Or join another basketball team maybe? I went for a hoop tonight with a friend and it got me out of the crankiest mood that I have been in for awhile now...go exercise go!!! :)

Much love!!! And we need our Skype date...what is time difference there and what timeframes are good for you?

Loved our Skype date, we definitely have to do it again. You know i realized i kinda went on a tangent when we were chatting and i wanted to say someone actually did invite me to join their basketball team, but i kinda let it go because so much of the time i just feel too exhausted to do much of anything after work. The irony is that pushing yourself to do those things is usually what you need to break out of the funk, so yah. Not quite there yet ;)

I stopped my morning pages in 2011ish when i started going around in circles overanalyzing everything to the point that i think i was creating more problems for myself. Perhaps it's time to start again...

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