amw (amw) wrote,

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comin up to another one

This week i found a nifty auto-backup solution that's designed for creatives, in particular audio professionals. When you install it, it searches your hard disk and any attached media for project files in a variety of formats and presents them for backup to the cloud. Once you kick off backups it tracks any changes in those files and auto-syncs the diff with version control, so you'll never get that heart-stopping moment of impulsively pressing "Save" only to realize you saved your random experiment over the top of your masterpiece. Or that's the theory anyway. My neighbors will know if it worked if they don't hear as many screamed obscenities over the next few weeks. Anyway, what was interesting was i added tracker files to the list of formats it detected and let it scan through my old backups; it was quite a wake-up call to see the gap in date modified. I literally changed one file between 2003 and 2012, and only a handful after 2000. It's cute that some of the tracks i've rescued from internet archives still have an original 1996 timestamp on them, which this program helpfully describes as "17 years ago". Ouch. 17 years of released music, and over half of that time i wasn't actually writing anything. In fact the last thing i "released" was a couple of MP3s on my personal website in 2002. That sucks.

Coming up on another birthday and i gotta say that in the last year by far the two best things that have happened to me have been leaving J and starting to write music again. I don't know if they're related. For a long time i blamed my lack of drive to make music on the hormones, or my meds, on some chemical that was dulling the creative edge in my brain. I also wondered if i wasn't letting myself get too absorbed in something when i had a partner who needed my time more. This all really reignited in the latter half of 2012 when i dropped both of those things. But i'm back to pretty regular on my meds now and although i do have that dull, woolly layer over everything, i'm still pushing just enough to keep the creative spark going. I don't ever want to lose it again.

The other day a friend here called me selfish for wanting to leave the country "on a whim". It was said in the heat of the moment, but it struck a chord because both J and M implied the same thing when i was with them for wanting to move to America some day. I am really getting sick of trying to please people to avoid the accusation. I do more for my friends than anyone i know, but when they move on it's "growth" whereas for me it's "escape"? Fuck that. This music, this scene, it's the only thing that's stayed consistent for me since the moment i found it, the only thing that i've continued to love even as other loves came and went. If a lot of the stuff that's inspiring me right now is coming from Europe, why not go enjoy it for a while? Other friends have gone for precisely that reason; some stayed, some didn't, but all are better for the experience. Because i've moved a lot people don't realize how scary this is for me, because for the first time i'd be moving purely for myself and not for my partner. And unlike most people, i have nowhere to come back to if it fucks up - my Australian residence has lapsed and getting citizenship here is hard without a local address. I know my close friends don't want me to make another life-changing decision i'll regret, but at the same time it'd be nice to have the support of people that matter to me. Though i guess i should be used to it, because i saw the same stupid thing in Brisbane where everyone talks about leaving but the minute someone actually does it's like a betrayal instead of something to celebrate.

And the funny thing is, it's only just thoughts at this point anyway. Sure i've been thinking about it for over six months, but i got a lot still to organize to make it happen. The one thing i don't want to do is fall back into that comfortable pseudo-contentment where i just keep plugging away at a job i hate just so i can go to the same old events, maybe writing some music but never releasing it, or only releasing it to the same 200 people i see every week anyway... I got no illusions of being a rock star, or of Europe being some promised land where everything is better (one thing i do know from moving a lot is that everywhere has the same fucking stupid shit), i just want to stay excited about life, about the journey. And if that means i'm trying to escape or i'm being selfish then fuck it. I'd rather regret having made rash decisions than regret never having done anything at all. There's only one decision i've made in my life i still regret every single fucking day, and even that has opened my world up in ways i could never have dreamt, so it is what it is. I'm not buying a house, i'm not going into cruise control at the same job for the next 10 years, clearly i'm not getting married, i can't do that right now and maybe never will. And it's okay.
Tags: looking back, music, travel

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