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candle at both ends
frazzled
amw
I'm so burned out you don't even know. Work has been an absolute shitshow for most of this year. I've been pushing myself to work late so we can still get a decent product out, creeping up from 5:30 ends through 6 to 6:30 or later. I haven't taken a lunch break in months. Struggling to get up and get into work by 10 (9 is a distant memory). Meanwhile i continue to be completely frustrated at the lack of drive of my team, the lack of direction in the company and the lack of sales. I don't write about it much because i don't like to write about (or even think about) work outside of work but the truth is it's been wearing me down something wicked. I was already unhappy a year ago when i got my so-called promotion without a pay rise. I figured i'd stick it out because it was good for my resume, so i did until the end of last year when i started applying for other jobs. Even went to some interviews. But i guess they could tell the excitement wasn't there. That's one of the things i've always had trouble with - feigning excitement in this field, in a new job, when really all i want is the paycheck. I wish i could just tell them no i'm not a 24/7 programming freak who reads up on the latest shit in my free time, but you know what, i will work harder on the product when i'm in the office than any of those nerds. Though God i wish i worked with even just one of those nerds now, because working at a company where literally everyone does the minimum effort to pick up a paycheck is just depressing.

And that's what happened last week. Thursday i hit my wall. I logged on to call in sick and there was a crisis with our biggest client. Meetings and calls and whatever else. So i worked from home. Dragged myself in Friday. Then didn't make it to work Monday or Tuesday. I pulled myself in for the rest of the week, but i am done for. It's 3pm Saturday and i'm still in bed and still exhausted because even taking those two days at the beginning of the week didn't help because there is construction in my apartment and the whole building is shaking from 8:30am through 5. I need a vacation. A vacation of the type i've never taken, one where all i do is sit on a beach and have beautiful women bring me cocktails. Every now and then i talk about it, but i never do it because i feel like it'd be a waste of money going somewhere and doing nothing, not exploring or discovering something new. But i need it. I am so fucking spent it's not even a joke.

Of course it doesn't help that i'm so frustrated at work any time i can i'll be out partying so i don't have to think about it. So i don't get into the funk i'm in this morning (afternoon...) where my weekend is filled up worrying about our half million dollar client who's on the brink, our release which has now slipped a month, one of our senior devs who just gave notice... And then on top of that i have J's dad still on my case about the guarantor shit because my buddy R is working in this fucked up industry too and we haven't found a time where we can both get off work long enough to sign the papers transferring the guarantor to her. J hasn't gotten back to me Re: tax, which i did a month ago and is just waiting on one line item from her. My old boss/client from when i was freelancing keeps emailing to try and meet and i've been ignoring it. I just want to say the hell with it all, give my own notice and fuck off in May instead of July/August. I'm so, so sick of it. So exhausted.

So yah, here's a nice quiet weekend sitting at home doing nothing, and i just wanna curl into a ball and cry and cry. I don't even have the energy to do my laundry. Thank God there's no incessant drilling, just the constant hum of the subway. I kinda want to put up some kind of Robinson Crusoe calendar so i can mark the fucking days because the thought of going back to work next week, and the week after that, and the week after that... Sigh.
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I so feel what're saying. I run from that shit to army :) Now I'm in construction of wood houses and feels so amazing. Physically exhausting, but very, very satisfying which is ultimately important.

One thing at a time mate....and you will get there!

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