amw (amw) wrote,

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I just wrote the most satisfying two-paragraph email ever. Which i will send Monday, on the request (plea?) of my director to spend the weekend thinking my decision over.

Since i am not in a tent ruminating, i spent yesterday playing video games and rewatching movies i haven't seen in years. One of which was Paris Is Burning, which cuts to the motherfucking bone. Although i was never a raging queen, and i've never enjoyed dressing up, i very much identify with those fantasies of a fabulous life. At one point i was buying Australian, American and French Vogue to get my fix of impossibly beautiful women. And it's not so much about longing for the arguably shit reality of being a fashion model, it's about disappearing into that exquisitely manufactured fairytale where no one is ugly or poor or sad, and every moment can be airbrushed to perfection. And when Pepper LaBeija says "having a vagina doesn't mean you're going to have a fabulous life, it might in fact be worse", i legit choked up. Next up is The Boys In The Band, then i might go back to Key Largo, when men were men (and women were angels).

I was going to drive to diner country today, but i probably only got 2 solid hours sleep. All night i was having "dream in a dream" nightmares and i woke time and again in a cold sweat. I don't know why - i should be sleeping easy for the first time in 2 years now that i've quit. I am a little scared, of course. Well, not so much scared as anxious - although i have quit jobs and disappeared overseas in the past, this is the first time i'm doing it completely alone, and the first time i have absolutely no idea where i'll be in three or six months time. It also sucks that i'm doing it with pretty much no support from anyone in the country i'm leaving - i only have R, since i have no family here and most of my "friends" apparently weren't at all. Everyone smart already got out, so i guess we'll all meet up in Casablanca. Meanwhile i need to book flights before the prices rise even higher. Maybe i'll order in some Chinese and beer and do that tonight.

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