Unfortunately i'm not here to sightsee, but to visit my dad. This is the first time i've spent more than a couple days with him in almost 20 years, and it's so overdue. I am loving catching up, really getting to know the guy who makes up half of me... But after two weeks of random aimless wandering, it's really hard to adjust back to a relatively normal life. I'm getting very awkward and anxious. He left me alone in the house earlier and i kept jumping at shadows and sudden noises. Last night i only slept 5 hours from the nightmares. I'm fighting the oppressive sense of obligation and responsibility, even though i know it's just in my head.
Sunday i'm taking an overnight train to Holland to see mom, and Oma, and the aunts. Then i'm going to be crying for the break i have planned to Rostock, via Berlin and Hamburg, before heading back here. I know in a few months i will run out of money and have to either find some work and an apartment here, or head back to Canada and do the same. Either option terrifies and repulses me; it's making me physically ill thinking about it. I don't know what to do.
At KaterHolzig one of the DJs played Human League - The Things That Dreams Are Made Of, and i sang along with every word, tears in my eyes. In the club i have dreamed about for over a year, singing about traveling, disappearing... I don't know how to get back, how to go back to the cloying life of obligations and family and work bullshit. I love my freedom too much. I don't want any more "stuff". I don't want to be bored. I don't want to owe anyone anything. I love my friends because i choose that and i don't feel "stuck" the way i do with work, relationships or family... But... fuck. I can't be a hobo, can i?
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Thought i should add, i'm writing this on my phone at a Viennese student/hipster bar. Some dude started talking Nietzsche on his date. They're playing hip-hop and jazz and serious hipster shiz. Some dude had a ukulele. Aside from being 15 years younger, it's so not my crowd, but they're open lateish for a Monday and i'm on a WhatsApp date with R and an ex-colleague who just finished work. Awesome. Vienna is so fucking Europe. Plus in German everything Viennese is "wiener", which makes my immature ass crack up every goddamn time. In yr wienerbarz drinkn yr wienerbierz. Wienerlolz.
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I bought shots for the bar and my bill was still under 50 euros. I could get used to this. Even my hangover didn't feel so bad this morning, and it was the first night i've slept over 8 hours since my first night on vacation in Indiana. Still tired, but feelin pretty good after a slow start and brief walk through a local street market and along the Danube. Vive l'Europe! It might not be as wide and pioneering-feeling as the best parts of North America, but man it's good living.