amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

fucking europe

Noch ein schloss, noch eine café. I took the U-Bahn out to some stop and accidentally on purpose walked the opposite direction from the palace, through a park and some residential streets, which are as ridiculously pretty in the suburbs as they are in the center. This really is a lovely town. Though i wouldn't live here - i looked up some parties and it really seems to be more rock/hip-hop oriented.

I've gotten over the initial anxiety of "stopping". It's really pleasant to chill with dad and V, catch up on 20 years. It's also good to have a break and let my body recuperate somewhat from the hectic daily travels. The only "itch" i have is getting to party before all the indoor/outdoor clubs close for the winter.

* * *

It is a little different here to Germany. I feel like a bit of a tool for not knowing my geography, but by location alone, Vienna is pretty much Eastern Europe. It's east of Germany, practically up against Slovakia, Slovenia etc. This felt like Iron Curtain country to me growing up. It's weird seeing Czech and Hungarian cars driving around. Even though i lived in Europe after the wall fell, the east still feels exotic to me. It'd be interesting to visit. That's another point in favor of living here. Well not here here, but Europe in general.

Fuck, i don't know. It is also very much the same as Germany. Once again i'm breathing in the smells of the trees and the bakeries, seeing the kids wandering around all wide-eyed, it all feels so familiar, the home i never realized i had... But at the same time it's further from my dream, and further from the small handful of friends i consider my closest. And it's closer to family and obligation. But... hmm...


* * *

God, i'm so conflicted. These are the real butterflies. Do i stay here or should i go on, backpacking "for real"? Hitch-hike across Europe? Visit Asia? South America? I love traveling. I love America too. But every time i look up here and see "POLIZEI", or hear "nächste Haltestelle", or smell a wurst stand i'm like fuuuuck.

I sip my beer as another tram rolls past. A rain cloud is darkening the sky, though it'll float off soon. I'm going to take a walk in the palace gardens. If i go back home i can hide in bed and pretend i don't feel anything. I feel weak, like a child... Childhood memories is what it is, laughter and innocence and tears. What the fuck am i doing here? Was life better in that job i hated, staggering from high to high, feeling broken and alone? Here i have no-one, but i feel snug in the culture like an elephant in a boa constrictor's stomach.

* * *

Walking through those gardens just kept triggering me, it was just like how i felt in Kassel back in May. I found a secluded grove of trees and lay on a bench looking at the clouds for a little while. And cried. I can't explain this, how i feel in these places. It hurts. It calls me. I just want to cry and fly and never go home again.
Tags: looking back, travel

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