relievedIt's also odd seeing mom. I don't know if she has some kind of rose-tinted idea of who i am; although for 10-odd years i hid pretty much everything from her, i thought that was well and truly over by my early twenties. Instead i got the drugs talk, the smoking talk, the drinking talk, and then was told to "not to have too many" at dinner (after barely a pint of beer, which is literally breakfast for me when i travel alone). I was seriously pissed and barely talked to her the rest of the night. I'm thirty fucking three and i am quite aware of every fucked up thing i do to myself. And you know what? I don't give a fuck. It's not anyone's place to tell me what to do with my life, not since i moved out of home 15 years ago. That shit is exactly why i avoid family and now also relationships. I refuse to be around people who lecture me. You can evangelize or joke around, sure - i do that to my friends and they do to me, but don't fucking lay on a guilt trip or try tell me what i can and can't do.
But further on the family front, my aunt texted her daughters who last i saw them were babies and they want to catch up somehow over the next couple days too. And apparently the other aunts are really excited to see me tomorrow. This after 15+ years - most of the cousins probably don't even remember me, and none of the family knows me as a "woman". I think it's kind of cute they're interested. I guess it doesn't hurt to see them, as long as they don't become another oppressive obligation sucking away all my freedom and happiness.
At the least it'll be a good chance to continue practicing my Dutch. Today is the first day i've spoken it since leaving the country as a teenager and although i was a little shaky at first, it's back in a big way. Unlike with German, i can understand the majority of what i hear, and i can express almost everything i want (in simplified terms) without dropping back to English. I completely surprised myself, and it feels absolutely amazing. It gives me hope that i may yet improve my German, even if it takes a couple years. After speaking mostly English in Vienna due to my dad and V barely speaking German it's nice to be exercising that part of my brain again.
Though it does take a bit more out of me. It's not that i'm concentrating per se, but after 10 hours my language center has kinda gotten worn out. So now i am going to sleep and see what tomorrow brings.
* * *
I'm writing now over a day later, well on the way to Amsterdam. Fabulously, the Dutch rail network has free wi-fi. Not so fabulously, enough people are using it that it's worthless for Beatporting, which i am so in the mood for. Things got a bit less stressful after Oma left for France with two of my aunts, then this morning mom headed out with another one. And now i just want to listen to some fucking techno and not worry about family for a few weeks. Although i love them and it's wonderful to see everyone, i feel so utterly trapped when i can't just go do my own thing in my own time.
This Saturday, Rostock for a party, next weekend festival in Bremen. Somewhere in between maybe there is something going on in Hamburg or Kiel. I gotta skip Berlin again because i don't want to swing by for 24 hours like last time. Hang with dad for a bit longer and then spend an extended period there - that's the only way to be able to relax into it.
God, i can't wait for this upcoming break. I got the itch again and need to be alone.
