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pretty ill
swing
amw
I am beginning to wonder if i am damaging something, given how this seems to happen to me every few months after a big night. My hangover from hell left me sick for three more days, including today. Wednesday morning i finished my unrefridgerated cheese and salami from the night before, but i don't think that was the culprit - i didn't get the usual food poisoning symptoms, i was just exhausted and nauseous for the rest of the day. I didn't eat anything else till yesterday when i finally left my room to do laundry. Today i have to travel to Bremen, which i am dreading, even though it's just two short legs. Fresh air is the only thing that helps. I had Subway for breakfast, since it's the only place i could be sure i was getting brown bread with simple turkey/ham/lettuce/cucumber. Although there are tons of bakeries here that sell much nicer rolls, i need things to be completely plain and predictable right now to avoid nausea and cramps. And i need to be healthy for this weekend - it's a two-night party for fuck's sake.

I noticed at Subway that my German is not as good as i hoped. I've been speaking it pretty much exclusively for a week now, but i stick to the terms i know, and i suspect people are slowing down a bit to help me understand. When you're at a fast-food joint where you need to pick 20 different options for your meal, things are a lot higher stress. It's a stark contrast to my Skype chat with R the other night. Aside from my journal entries, that was the first time i had to think in English since getting here, and i noticed myself fumbling over words and falling into that hokey German pronunciation that i use when i inject an English word into my German speech. Weird.

Okay, i'm on the train to Hamburg now, so i'll be looking out the window for the next half hour trying to spot the border again. God i must sound obsessive.

* * *

Well i'm pretty sure i saw when i passed it, but it was just crossing a tiny creek; i dunno. On a side note, whatever InterCity run this train from Hamburg to Stuttgart via Bremen is, it fucking sucks. Half the goddamn place is reserved, and the rest is packed. I'm sitting on the floor where people put their bicycles. Fuck me.

In case anyone is wondering, i have to shatter the myth of Europe being a haven for train travel. Although there are indeed trains that go everywhere, and if you remain in one urban center the public transit is crazy good, as soon as you travel between cities you pay through the nose. It cost me 50 euro to get from Schwerin to Bremen (under 2 hours travel, minus transfer time). It cost me more to train overnight from Vienna to Aachen than it would've to fly to Cologne (of course the train from there to Aachen would've evened it out). With that said, i am loathe to buy one of those tourist tickets that give you discounts for a month because they cost a fortune and then you are forced to travel a lot to make it worthwhile, and it's the freedom that means everything to me now.

Yep, freedom. I mentioned to R on Skype the other day that i have no concept of what day it is any more, how long i've been traveling, any of that. I only think in terms of when my current hotel runs out and where i need to be this weekend. I feel so relaxed. If i miss a train, oh well. If i have to lie in bed sick for two days, oh well. I wonder if this sort of lifestyle is helping me to manage being unmedicated. Nothing is worrying me, nothing is triggering me, there are no temptations and no wrong moves. It's also an extremely solitary existence - i talk superficially to the Germans i meet, but otherwise it's just me. No one to hurt, no one to hurt me. I love it. It's the stopping that's going to hurt...

* * *

Man, i am thrilled to be in Bremen. This weekend's party is another line-up of amazing artists from all over Germany, most of whom rarely, if ever, venture overseas. One of the DJs tonight (another Bar25 almumnus) is playing for 4 hours and recorded my most favorite Soundcloud set ever. The sun has finally come out in earnest, my hotel is in a residential area next to a beautiful old church and i'm sitting in a beer garden overlooking a river with poetry written on the building opposite (echoes of KaterHolzig...) I ordered a beer despite my stomach troubles because, God, how often am i going to get to do this? Even if i do stay in Germany, when will i get a "first time" like this again?

I guess i should go back to my hotel and disco nap seeing as this party is so long, and i'm sick. But fuck it. I want to see some of the city. I want to enjoy the sun.

* * *

Sun enjoyed, burger eaten, not dead. Nap time.
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