amw (amw) wrote,

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it's the little things

Okay. I don't know if it's nightfall and discovering the sheer epicness that is Fancy ("my body's burning like a flame that's blue / it's time for action baby, cut me in two"), but my day has been completely turned around.

After my interview yesterday the anxiety just kept creeping. The company looks like a fun place to work, but when they say "flat structure" in the job ad they really mean it - 20 software developers with complete free-for-all access to the production systems. That'd freak the hell out of a finance or government project manager, but in "startups" it's more common. The problem is i've been so very scarred by my experiences at my last job that the idea of giving individual developers God-powers terrifies me. How awful is the codebase if there are no code reviews, no design guidelines, no QA team? If all the developers are responsible and skilled then great, but if there are even just one or two losers then what? Do i spend even more time working with shitty code and colleagues who don't care? My experience at my previous job has absolutely petrified me. I don't trust my instincts any more.

So instead of going out to Kater to see some more of my favorite DJs i passed out early with the intention of applying for a bunch more jobs to increase my options. Instead i slept over 12 hours, till the afternoon. And then proceeded to spend the rest of the day watching Netflix, eating, sleeping and trying not to cry. In my perfect world i would bum around, travel, go to pubs and clubs and just follow my heart. Instead i have to work, because i need money. And that means anxiety and stress and... I've had a bunch of nightmares this week. Daily i've been getting those weird mini-seizures where the world is rushing in my ears and i can't keep myself composed. Here comes the crazy... And the depression, apparently, sleeping and not wanting to do anything, anything at all.

I forced myself out of it around 5pm, cleaning my apartment and buying a bunch of comfort food. I cooked myself a giant burger for dinner and proceeded to search for some songs i remembered lyrics from after Wednesday night down at a local kneipe. And that's when i found Fancy. And a whole bunch of other fabulous italo, but a lipsticked dude shaking his hips on a vector-graphics grid singing "we'll climb invincible mountains" in a German accent kinda trumps everything. So now i have a big grin on my face and life doesn't seem so bad. Of course, it's also the weekend, which means 2 more days not caring about work.

Fuck, i didn't think i'd still be so wound up over it.
Tags: career, crazy

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