amw (amw) wrote,

It's been too long.

How many of you people know me? I wonder sometimes who i write to. Maybe a couple of you really know who i am.

I'm in love with a girl who lives thousands of miles away. I'm drinking 40s. My psychiatrist dropped my Depakote dose from 750 to 500. No real difference as yet. I need to sharpen those feelings, i need to be me again. How many of you remember this journal before The Big Deletion of 2001? How many of you knew me before the journal? I used to be colorful. Passionate and ecstatic and i used to live and love with all of my being. Now someone reading my journal... fuck i don't know what they'd think. How dry am i? How boring? How fucking DEPRESSED?

Too fucking depressed is the answer. Hence the medication change. Maybe it'll help me feel more. Maybe i need an anti-depressant. Or maybe i just need to get my shit together and drag my fantasies and passions and goals back because i am dead without them. Does anyone remember? This is not who i am, this boring person. I love her, but there's more than that. She means the fucking world to me. But not only that - i love making music and i love dancing and i love singing along to G'n'R and fucking drinking and being a dork and i don't fucking care because it's ME it's ME ME ME, i want ME back i want to be ME again i want to love and lust and feel, i just want to feel. And since i left her last week i could sense myself pushing my heart back into that little cage, nothing in, nothing out, and fuck the cage, i need to break out, there is so much more to me, so much more.
Tags: alcoholism, crazy, depression, relationships

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