amw (amw) wrote,

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everything zen

Last night i missed Christoph Woerner's birthday party in Kassel, featuring Rampue, Chris Schwarzwälder, Schlepp Geist and more. It was only 10€, but the train was 93€. One way. During the day H showed me a website where you can carpool with people all over Germany and it would've only been about 20€ - rad - but the last person was leaving at 5:30pm and i was at work till 6:30. Just like every other day this week. Finally the office is back again, so i've been flat-out trying to spin up this project that is being handed over to me after the big team reshuffle of last month. Meanwhile i spoke to one of the big bosses about the possibility of a "promotion" (or at least a position with different responsibilities). There are a lot of problems with the team the way it's grown over the past couple years and they need people with agile experience and a knack for communication and organization to try straighten stuff out, which is right up my alley. It'd be a stressful post and it's a long way from straight-up development, but i like trying to make things better for the men on the ground so maybe it's time for me to step up to the plate. Nothing's set in stone as yet so i'll just keep my head down and kick ass at whatever i do and whatever will be will be.

In any case, i missed one of the best line-ups since the Klangextase party last year so instead resolved to make this weekend one of recuperation. I've basically been going non-stop since Christmas Eve, either working, traveling, partying or being hungover. So a bum weekend is well overdue. This morning i bought a bunch of food and the rest of the day just lazed about watching Buffy and noodling around online. I replied to an email someone sent me a while back regarding his mental illness. He's just been diagnosed and is on meds and is going through the whole "am i or aren't i" phase and getting so wound up over it. I've been listening to him and sharing my experience and i realized i've finally kinda hit my stable point - and this now almost 6 months without medication too. It all started when J and i broke up, and really came together when i headed out on my travels last year. I think i can pretty safely say now that people make me fucking crazy. And the closer the people, the crazier i get.

Becoming single was far and away the best thing that's ever happened to me. For the first time i can completely and totally live for me. Not have to try to make anyone happy, not have to worry about disappointing anyone, just be totally myself. I always thought i had awesome understanding partners who let me do that, but boy was i wrong. I mean, i totally DID have awesome understanding partners, probably way more awesome and understanding than most people's partners, but they're still partners. You still have to do a bunch of shit you're going to resent because that's just what it means to be such a big part of someone else's life. Hell, i've even gotten that way with some of my friends (most recently the M saga of 2012). But when i broke free of that... Wow. Finally, no promises, no demands. This freedom has done more for my sanity than any pill, any place, any person. I've thrown away all my hopes and expectations, both in the people i know and in my future. I don't need to write music to be happy, i don't need a great job, i don't need to live in America, i don't need to change me, or to change the world, i don't need any of my dreams to come true. They're just dreams after all, and that's perfectly fine. If things work out one day then awesome, but if not that's cool too. In the mean time all i need is to earn enough money so i don't have to rely on anyone but me. And that's not a whole lot of money. I go out, i have fun, i stay home, i have fun, i miss parties, i go to the next one, i miss friends, i send them drunk messages from my pillow fort, i dance, i laugh, i cry. I still get anxious, i still get depressed, but none of it matters, nothing matters except this fucking moment right now, every moment, knowing that being right here right now is just right.
Tags: crazy

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