amw (amw) wrote,

blue collar lifestyle, white collar pay

Sometimes i wonder where my crazy went. My gut feeling is that it left after i removed most all the triggers in my life. But that doesn't gel with the idea of bipolar disorder being a chemical imbalance. It shouldn't matter my life situation, i was supposed to be inherently crazy regardless. So, all these years, did i instead just have a weird anxiety disorder, or some defense mechanism that would make me disassociate or disappear into mini-psychoses when things stressed me out? I honestly don't know.

For about a year after J and i separated i took my meds quite irregularly. Of course i was also high or drunk most of the times i wasn't taking my meds. But since coming to Europe i haven't been taking any meds at all, and i'm soberish most nights. And my life hasn't collapsed all around me. In fact, i've never felt more satisfied with how it's going. Which isn't to say it's a wonderland; i still get angry, frustrated, depressed... But those emotions have no lasting effect any more. No one sees them but me, and when i'm down, i can just drop into my kneipe and get hopelessly drunk for 15€, or i can go out to a club and dance for 24 hours straight, or at least till nothing matters any more. Or i can just lie in bed all day and order in and not give the slightest fuck about checking my phone or my email or cleaning the house or anything, because there's no one out there expecting anything of me anyway.

Of course, there is work. But through all the crazy of my adult life, work has always been the one thing i could mostly shield from that. I have shown up depressed, manic, high, hungover, you name it, but i always showed up and gave it my best. Because work is a different world for me. The me who goes to work is all fucking business, and will always get the job done, no matter what. So now, living in a country where i have no family, no partner, no close friends, an extremely cheap lifestyle, all i have to worry about is work. And if that's all i have to worry about, i don't really have to worry about anything. As long as i have enough money to indulge my whims outside of work (and living in Berlin i absolutely do), what does it really matter what my emotional state is?

That feels like a terribly privileged conclusion to come to. Because i have a job that can comfortably pay for my lifestyle (easily under 1000€ per month), i don't need to care about anything else. I was talking to a guy at the kneipe the other night who said "isn't it a bit egotistical to live that way?" (Poorly translated, but you get the meaning.) And maybe it is. But i'm not gonna get Randian about the whole thing - i am happy to pay taxes and buy strangers drinks or cigarettes and help my friends out when they need. I just don't want a family or relationship or kids or "friends" who demand any more from me than just to chat and hang out once in a while. I'm far from a hermit, but somehow now i am hermetically sealed. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it isn't. Life goes on, and it's okay.

It's very fucking weird. Things have been so okay for so long now, i'm scared to visit the endo and start hormones again in case that was the source of it all. I'm scared to buy furniture and outfit my house in case that was the source of it all. I'm scared to make friends in case that was the source of it all. But then, honestly, i'm not really scared-scared of any of those things, because worst case scenario everything goes south and then i stop doing whatever made it suck and move on. Big fucking deal. Freedom is happiness.
Tags: crazy

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