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mom walk
God, i hate shopping. It's pathological now. I am wearing the same tops from a couple years ago, the same shoes from fucking Australia, the same torn-up bra from God knows when, all because clothes shopping gives me so much anxiety. Since i gave away my backup bra last weekend i realized i had to buy more today, and, of course, nothing fits. I ended up buying two that are too small with an extender because i couldn't bear to spend another minute trying shit on. Then, for the third time in as many weeks, i walked into a store and packed a basket with some household items... only to freak out and leave the store before i could pay.

I have one bowl, one mug, one plate, one spoon, one fork... one towel, one set of bed sheets, no TV, no stereo... and i can't bring myself to buy anything more. I don't want to pay for things that weigh me down, that serve no purpose. I have a beautiful apartment that aside from the kitchen is basically unfurnished, but there's nothing i really feel i need enough that it cancels out my anxiety over spending money on "stuff".

Summer hit this week and everyone's fashion changed. The guys at work are wearing flip-flops and shorts and pastel tees. The girls are in sun dresses and spaghetti straps and sandals. I'm still wearing the same jeans and tanks and Adidas i always do. I feel like a bum, but i don't care enough to shop. I hate it so much.

Strangely, i love grocery shopping. I can spend hours wandering around in grocery stores and markets buying pretty much nothing. But that pretty much nothing i will eventually eat. The pretty much nothing i buy everywhere else just sits in a closet or on a shelf making me feel miserable. Bars and nightclubs are where i get to enjoy comfortable couches and art and music and decor. Home is for eating, sleeping and internet.

And i think these attempts to go shopping lately are due to my lack of internet at home. I need to fill a hole, but each time i try i eventually realize it IS just filling a hole. I should know better. "Stuff" is my enemy. I think it always has been.

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