amw (amw) wrote,

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being lazy

The last few weeks have been hell. I think i mentioned earlier i got a promotion ("in name only") and it is retarded how much more work i have to do. Our company officially still has a flat hierarchy, so it is the polar opposite of where i worked in Canada. I have less levels of management here between me and the CEO of 5000+ employees than i did at my company of 30 employees. We have the freedom to Make Shit Happen, but we don't have the authority to Make Shit Happen. I also don't get paid any more. It's taxing, frustrating and exhilerating.

My first meeting in this new position is 9.45 and no longer 10.45. This, on the face of it, is not a big deal, but it really is. I usually wake up around 7.00 but of course i bum around at home for a few hours before i get my ass into the shower and out the door. Not a problem when i wake up sharp, but honestly, i have hit the bottle again something wicked, so most mornings i feel like shit at 5.00, fall asleep some more then feel like shit at 7.00, and continue to feel like shit when i roll into work at 9.30. Which, considering i often work till 19.30 or later i feel okay about, but still. A few days ago i woke up without a hangover and it felt so wonderful. But the night before i only had 2 or 3 beers, and i felt like shit for remaining so sober. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

So, outside of work and drinking, i am doing fuck all. I am too exhausted after work to do anything but drink. On the weekend i either have a blistering hangover, or am going out to a club where i return with an even blisteringer hangover. After the fabulous (and terrible) Kater weekend, i met up with two of the girls i met at the club. We went out to one of the pre-Christopher Street Day (aka Pride) parties a couple weeks ago. I felt like i was back in Brisbane again, buying vodka and 5€ champagne from the späti, then drinking it from the bottle as we walked round the street festival. Except, you know, in Berlin it's legal and perfectly normal to do that.

It felt extremely weird, being in Schöneberg, the traditional gay ghetto of Berlin. I live in East Berlin, i work in East Berlin, i go to clubs in East Berlin, so heading over to the west i feel like a fish out of water. The buildings are nicer and more modern, but for the first time over there i felt like the people weren't the upper-middle-class douchebags that i normally meet from that side of the city. At one stage there was only lesbians, as far as the eye could see. And i was one of the youngest. Bizarre. At the end of the night i ended up going to an Ü30 (over 30) party with a bunch of lesbians and it was as lame as you would expect. Fortunately i was with one of my friends from Kater and i ended up crashing at her place - first night away from home in Berlin - and we had a really pleasant morning. I woke up in Neukölln, and for the first time, i didn't have the gratingly hipster slash migrant techno DJ experience i normally have over there. She's a carpenter, a blue collar German who found her place back when two-room apartments were under 500€ in this city. Seeing her place i understood why white collar immigrants paying "only" 700€ for a studio apartment are driving the working class and the artists out of the city. We took a walk around Tempelhofer Feld (the abandoned airport) and had a coffee before she headed off to work (on Sunday) and i went home. Great fucking weekend.

But aside from that, all i do is work, drink, order in and watch TV. Work completely drains me, as totally as it did in Canada, except here i work 10+ hours a day and i'm not the only one. I need a vacation. This weekend i booked Monday off. Almost everyone i know in the city is going to Fusion, which is one of the biggest "non-commercial" festivals in Germany. There are no sponsors, no ads, but they still pull 20.000+ people each year. All i really care about is the Bachstelzen floor, which is where all my favorite DJs are playing... I didn't realize most of the clubs here close down for the weekend because all the DJs, promoters and other types are at the goddamned festival. So, i have Monday off, and if it doesn't rain i will rock up for a day ticket Sunday afternoon and party the night away. Otherwise, i guess, at least the Renate is open. And even more otherwise, maybe i can get some shit done that i continue to procrastinate over.

I know my life is pretty shit from the outside. I have one fork, one spoon, one knife, one plate. I have a bed and two chairs in a beautiful yet mostly empty apartment that begs to be decorated properly. But i'm happy. I work fucking hard. I watch Project Runway. I hang out at my bar with 40-50 year olds who know my name but know nothing about me. I watch the soccer. I drink. Occasionally, i cook. Either way i eat fresh brötchen and cheese and salami and fruit. I sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about work. And sometimes, just sometimes, i go out and party at the greatest clubs i have ever been to in my life. I am exhausted, alone, alcoholic and unmedicated. But life goes on. Life goes on. And most importantly, it doesn't suck.

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