amw (amw) wrote,

living without meds

I started to ponder the other day if my life without meds might be having an affect that i didn't expect. About 3 years ago i got really flakey with my hormones, and my mood stabilizers, and for about 2 years i haven't taken any medication whatsoever. The good news is, i haven't died. The bad news is, well i don't really have any. Or i thought i didn't.

My current completely unscientific working theory is that most of my crazy stemmed from having hormones. As a kid testosterone mostly annoyed me by making me horny and petulant. Or perhaps that was just being a kid. Either way, i decided to get rid of that, and replace it with estrogen. Which made me a complete emotional basket case, and led to the wonderful cocktail of whatever bipolar drugs were in fashion till i mostly stabilized on good old depakote. Which largely killed my motivation to do anything, but at least i wasn't suicidal or psychotic. Though crazy still crept in through my emotional Achilles heels.

When i stopped all the meds suddenly everything just felt... normal. Emotions, gone. Well not gone gone, obviously i still laugh and smile and dance. But i don't cry any more. I don't get all torn up over things. I don't care what people think or how i should behave. I don't miss relationships, i don't miss "friendships", i am very happy to live my life doing what i want to do. Perhaps that is just getting older.

But boy do i get mad. I always had a hot temper, but it was mostly aimed at faceless organizations. Useless internet companies. Useless power companies. Useless public transport companies. Useless immigration bureaucracies. I still get mad at those things, although living in Europe has been a huge step up over the New World. Now i get mad at work. Of course, i always used to get mad at work. But now i don't hide it. Now i am that guy in the office who gets stressed to breaking point and then publicly explodes, mostly directing my anger at the leads of teams who are not getting their shit done. Given we don't have real leads in our new and improved "autonomous" corporate structure, that means the teams are now getting it in the face.

I have had three separate warnings to control my temper at this job, all of them coming within the last few months. Friday i called in sick after literally four days of being unable to do any work due to other teams fucking up shared resources that we depend on and neglecting to fix things because "it works for me". If i had gone into the office on Friday there is a good chance i could have gone completely postal. I don't ask for much at work. I just expect everyone to do their jobs effectively and make sure they aren't blocking anyone else from doing theirs. You know. I expect to fucking work at work. But the point isn't the lack of care and responsibility of my coworkers. The point is that i fucking exploded on them. I am always vocal with my frustration and disappointment - i'm not the type to keep quiet and pretend everything is hunky dory - but actually getting angry is rare. Except, the breaking point for me in my last job was when i got so angry at after work drinks one day i had a rare public meltdown. And in this job the anger has even made it into the workplace, and that's something people never used to see from me.

So i was wondering the other day if this explosive temper is the result of missing medication to calm me down. Because i am not really a very angry person a lot of the time. I am quite happy to just bumble around and live and let live in most aspects of my life. I don't have the time or energy any more to get into fights about stupid things on the internet, or not-so-stupid things in our society... I mostly left that behind in my teens. And some of my 20s. But seeing it creep back now... You know, perhaps pointing out medication is just looking for something to blame. It's not taking responsibility. I AM letting my emotions get out of control at work. It's only because i take my job so fucking seriously, but that's no excuse. Going back to the doctor to ask for hormones, or mood stabilizers, that's just me passing the buck again. Maybe i need to somehow bring that Zen/Dudeist/mindfulness thing that i finally have going for me in my normal life into the office.

Sigh. At least there's only three and a half weeks left at this place. No matter how bad the new place could be, i know it'll take 12 months of simmering before i explode again. That gives me time to figure out a better way.
Tags: career, crazy

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