amw (amw) wrote,

more enforced fun

Today one of my colleagues had a birthday, and she made a special trip to the office (on a normally-scheduled day off) to share cake with the guys. Odd. I mean, it's nice i am working in a small enough company where colleagues are also friends, but God, i really don't get this sort of stuff. I think people who don't know me well sometimes form the opinion that i'm a bit of a sourpuss or anti-social or something because i don't like going to "parties", but that's not it at all. I fucking love partying. I will celebrate getting through a Monday, or going to see a resident DJ, or finding an especially fluffy piece of pocket lint. I will not celebrate because it's Mother's Day, or someone's getting married, or having a kid, or whatever. I will party when i feel like it, and if that coincides with someone else's party then that's fucking ace because we get to party together for as long as we like without any obligations. If not, oh well, there's always tomorrow, next week, whenever.

I remember growing up, after the divorce, mom became quite "new age" and decided we shouldn't really celebrate Christmas or birthdays or anything, because they're just another day. Of course, we often did stuff like putting up a tree for decoration or preparing some special food, but if we forgot one year, oh well. She would say things like, if you want to buy a gift, just do it whenever. At the time i didn't think much of it, but i wonder if those teenage years ended up shaping much of the person i became. My lack of interest in "special events" has been a sticking point with many of my partners and friends over the years. A lot of people just don't get not really giving any extraordinary weight to one day over another one. I'm not sure if people think it's important to celebrate on particular days because they repress themselves every other day or if they just have a greater connection to heritage and ritual than i do. Either way it often leaves me on the outside.

I used to lament that i didn't have any "close friends", but now i realize it's because the things i value just don't often jive with the things many other people do. And definitely not with what the things a lot of people consider important criteria for being a BFF, or a partner. Now some of the people i consider my best friends are actually people i have far less traditionally "close" contact with than a lot of faded or failed relationships from my past. They're close because i know i can be myself around them, even if i don't see them for months, even if i never learned their names or birthdays or any personal information outside of sharing a few intimate moments where it all made sense. And if they disappear it's fine because someone else will turn up. Or maybe no one will. But that's fine too because it's just the wheel of life turning.

Of course, i have the privilege of feeling this way when i am healthy and wealthy. In the future, were i to be sick or poor, i might feel otherwise. But that's what our community is for, that's why i work and pay taxes and give change to street kids and buy drinks for strangers. I give when i can and hope the world will give back when i can't.

I guess perhaps i have become quite "new age", too, after all.
Tags: looking back

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