amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

i guess i'm nervous

The closer it gets the more i am worried about spending 2.5 weeks trapped 24/7 with my colleagues. So many things i take for granted living on my own will be out. Definitely the walking around topless or naked from pretty much the moment i enter my front door. Also having 4-5 hours of peace and quiet every night before i fall asleep. Also drinking alcohol in bed. Or drinking alcohol for breakfast. Or just drinking unpretentious cheap liquor purely for the pleasure of getting drunk, instead of making it some kind of bourgeois lifestyle thing. Or not drinking at all and just staring at the ceiling.

I spend a LOT of time alone. Every moment i am not at work i am alone. Not by myself, by any means - i often spend time at bars and clubs surrounded by people. But i am under no obligations to anyone. Freedom to come and go as i please, to do as i please and act as i please. I can already feel anxiety twisting up like a ball inside me and i'm hyperventilating and panicked and after years of living cheaply and simply i want to book a flight the day i arrive in San Fran to the opposite side of the world where i can disappear and go out in a blaze of glory. Yes, yes, the crazy is back and it is triggered by the shackles of obligation to friends and acquaintances.

My God, i almost had a heart attack when i saw how fucking planned out these guys have our "road trip". I mean, seriously. They fucking Google Earthed the goddamned rest stops where we will be having our scheduled breaks between the destinations. They already know which fast food restaurants we will eat at, weeks in advance. It would be funny if it didn't terrify me so much to have my life outside of work regimented so fiercely. Some people have anxiety when nothing is planned. I have anxiety when ANYTHING is planned. If we didn't set it up an hour beforehand, i don't want to do it. If you decide to cancel 5 minutes before, i get it. Fucking Yosemite doesn't help by advising you to book everything in advance because you know, it's so popular and shit. What the fuck. It's the goddamned wilderness. If you can't be spontaneous in the middle of nowhere, where can you?

In the middle of the city, apparently. In an apartment. Of your own. Because i can go anywhere and do anything, or not do anything. Mostly not do anything. And that's fucking awesome. I love not doing anything. Or jump on a train, on my own, and turn up wherever i end up. And there will always be a bar open somewhere. Or maybe just a 7/11. Maybe nothing. So you go home again and it was an adventure anyway.

God Jesus Fuck i should just chill. I know, i know, work is flying me round the world on their dime, i am blessed. I am so disorganized i let my goddamn driver's license expire again, but i have people driving me to some of the most picturesque spots in California. Oh ain't life terrible?

It just feels like i am going to be stuck on a resort, or a cruise ship, or a bus tour, or any one of those vacation destinations i have steadfastly refused to ever go on because it sounds like hell on Earth.

But, you know it's just work, it's just work. Just see it as a very fucking long day of work.

Fuck, i hope this rant helps get it out of my system. I know it's neurotic. I know, i know, just roll with it and enjoy it for what it is... I mean, i probably will enjoy it, right? At least i can eat real Mexican food again. Maybe see T, if the stars align. Paddle round in the Pacific for a bit. Eat more Mexican food. Stuff. I am just going to close my eyes, count to 20 and think of tacos.
Tags: crazy

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