amw (amw) wrote,

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here we go again

I don't get out much. I don't even reply to invites from friends on weeknights any more, i just ignore them. I have graduated from sitting alone at a bar after work to drinking alone at home after work. It feels like too much effort to spend another couple hours even interacting with people at the bare minimum level after i do it so intensively all day long. Is it because my job is turning more and more into a management role... AGAIN? Or is it because i am a depressed social-phobic alcoholic who can't operate in society unless i am furiously career-focused or in a club full of people so high they can barely stand up straight?

Eh, who cares? Point is i don't get out much. I am not even going clubbing much. My excuse is because i only enjoy going on Sundays, but if i go on Sundays i drink too much then i have a hangover on Monday. Which was less of a problem when i was just writing code, but now i have meetings and have to make the guys happy and be lucid for a call to San Francisco at 6.30pm. This week i have to be on-point Monday because a guy is coming in for trial work at 9.30am and i am one of just a handful of people in the office, not to mention the only lead/coordinator/manager/whatever.

The funny thing is i am now drinking more heavily than ever during the week, because i am so fucking drained all i want to do is fall asleep after work, and when i don't drink i just lie awake exhausted but unable to sleep. This means the only time in the week when i am both relaxed and hangover-less is Sunday, so i cannot do any productive thing i probably should do like buy clothes, visit the doctor, figure out my Canadian tax, re-get my drivers' license and so on. And besides, it's my one day of freedom anyway, so why should i waste it on crap that's basically just more work? Never mind the fact if i wasn't exhausted or drunk all the time i would have evenings and mornings and Saturdays to do this stuff.

So help me God if some culty brainwashed 12-stepper says i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired i will punch them in the face. Repeatedly. But it is frustrating not to have the energy to do some of the things i need to do. I'm tired of my life basically just being about work and nothing else. I'm tired of being the fucking high achiever at work. Blah blah humblebrag fuck you humblebrag. It fucking sucks being the person expected to solve all the problems. Of course, no one expects it more than i do myself. But i got this job because i wanted to be a grunt again. I didn't want to be a lead, or a manager, or whatever. I wanted to switch off my brain and write code and then go home and spend my time and money on stuff that made me happy. Instead my boss sees i work efficiently, and that i care about optimizing our processes, and that i feel responsible for my whole team, so congratulations now i get to lead it again. For fuck's sake.

It shouldn't be the case that Sundays and vacations are the only time i can get shit done, should it?
Tags: career

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