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fuck spring festival, and my birthday
swing
amw
I'm sure i must have had more miserable birthdays than this one, but this one is definitely up there in the suck factor. First of all, i didn't go out on Sunday night, just like i haven't gone out for several weeks. I knew that today i "should" get up early to visit the doctor for travel vaccinations, but aside from that i had already convinced myself that i definitely needed to avoid a hangover because today was our all-hands meeting at work.

So i drank no alcohol last night, went to bed early, then spent all morning walking between the doctor and the pharmacy. (Apparently in Germany you get a prescription for a vaccination at the doctor, then buy the drugs at the pharmacy, then take them back to the doctor to be injected!?) Because i've spent my whole life moving around different first-world countries, i have no idea what i got vaccinated for or when, so that was a fun discussion too. I ended up getting the "quad vaccination" for four things i guess every kid should be vaccinated for, and another one for Hepatitis A. Hepatitis B, Typhoid and Rabies can bite me. If i die because a bat shits in my pap, at least i had one fucking exciting day this year.

Well, it's not that i haven't gone out this year. But for the past couple months it has been very spaced out. After my boss told me i should take a longer vacation and i was arguing with him that i shouldn't take a longer vacation, it slipped out. I have never taken a vacation from work longer than 2 weeks before. I don't even think i've taken a 2 week vacation before. Maybe that one time i went to see T just before i quit? That sort of vacation is just not done in other countries. I work until i hate my job, and then i quit and go on "vacation" till my savings run out. I've done that several times in my life now. It's no good for my employer, and no good for my (non-existent) retirement fund, so i probably shouldn't do that. I guess in Europe they try to avoid it by giving you five weeks a year and negotiating with you to take more vacation. "It's okay if you go over so you don't burn out." What kind of fucking opposite land crazy town is this?

Anyway, yes, it slipped out during a one-on-one today. I have deliberately not gone clubbing or had any big Sunday nights for a while now. Probably since my boss suggested i become an "official" manager, instead of just being an unofficial team lead. Since then i have started taking my job a lot more seriously, because i realize that i am not only being measured on my own performance, but my guys' performance too. If they fail, i fail. So i can't come into work Monday with a hangover, or call in sick because fuck my job, because if i don't keep them in line, then that's on me. And that means i'm abandoning the primary reason that i moved to Berlin for in the first place - being able to dance to the music i love when i want to dance to it (and not shoveled into a 4-hour window in the middle of the night once a month like it is in every other country). Instead i lie at home in bed, drink alcohol till i pass out, occasionally watch a show and work. Work very fucking hard. Work work work.

And, it's not like i hate my job or anything. This is (so far) one of the best software development jobs i've had. But... i don't love my job. I only do it because i need the money so i can... oh wait... so i CAN'T fucking go out clubbing. What the fucking fuck? And then 10 days ago i just go "fuck everything" and randomly book a trip to the second-least populated country in the world, because fuck people and fuck the internet and fuck software development and i just want to disappear into the desert.

Yeah, happy birthday, now i have a fever and a headache from the vaccinations "normal" people get refreshed every 5-10 years because they actually give a shit about their health. What do i have to live for? Well, not techno music. Not a partner or family (thank fucking Christ). I am barely a tiny hint of a blip in a speck of the universe that has no purpose beyond trying to enjoy the few moments i have here. And i'm totally fine with that life. But i'm not fine with a life where i work so i can earn money so my bank account eventually rolls around to five digits again so what? I barely spend a cent. I live in a very cheap apartment, i never buy clothes, or accessories, or furniture, or ornaments, or luxury electronics. I buy no-name brand food, and the cheapest alcohol on the shelves, and occasionally a video game when it's on special under $10. I have Netflix and the slowest, shittiest internet money can buy. I live almost exactly like i did when i was 18, and from experience i know that owning anything more than that just makes me feel guilty and unhappy and trapped anyway.

So now i am 36 and not guilty or unhappy, but i am trapping myself by making my life all about work. Because now i earn enough money to be able to entertain myself, but because i have to work i can't spend it on entertaining myself. So instead i send money to refugees i'll never meet, splurge on helping out less fortunate friends and buy alcohol for strangers on the few times i do allow myself to go out. What else am i going to do with this shit? Stay in the rat race for 25 more years just so i can buy a shitty small house in some shitty small town and reminisce all day? Ugh.

Jesus fucking Christ i need a vacation.
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Oh I hear you.

Amen to that.

The great paradox of adulthood...

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