amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw
  • Mood: cold

just fucking kill me now

Oh my fucking God. I am wiped. Totally wiped. Last week a did a day and a half work from home to ease back into it. Today was my first day in the office. I didn't even do anything stressful. Most of my "lead" work i already handed over to one of my guys and he has done it fairly well while i was away. I didn't start on any new projects but took on a couple of old outstanding things i had hanging from a month or two back. I'm still on Africa time (sunrise to sunset) so i was in before 9am. Didn't get out till after 6pm. Walked out feeling like a zombie. Couldn't focus on anything, walked round in a daze. I used to think it was my alcoholism, but while i was in Namibia i hardly drank at all and this morning i went into work chipper as could be. It seems it's my job.

First world problems. In the past i have complained a lot about my cushy job and how much it exhausts me, but i've rarely noticed it so profoundly as today. By the mid afternoon i was lethargic. Come 6pm my eyes were drooping. Outside it's cold, dark and wet. My newly-tanned skin is all ashy. I am done. I don't doubt by the end of the week the purple rings under my eyes will be back, i will be struggling to get in by 11am and i will be drinking heavily again. Fuck this shit. This job fucking destroys me. Maybe all jobs would destroy me. I kick ass when i'm in the office, but once i leave my body is a shell and i feel incapable of achieving anything. When i don't work i am healthier, i happily go to bed early, i read books, i make plans, i explore... Now all i want to do is drink till i feel something and then drink more till i can't feel anything and pass out wishing it was Friday already.

And all this for money i don't need.

Or maybe i do need the money. Maybe i need to do this for another 10 years till i can outright purchase a mobile home and then cut my working time down to whatever i need to subsist. Sadly my particular skills in IT do not lend themselves to part-time or freelance work. Maybe i could do something else? Is there anything i could do that wouldn't destroy me so completely?

I think i would make a great snowbird. I guess they paid their dues over the last 50 years, though, so that's what, another 35 years to go? Just fucking kill me now.
Tags: career
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