amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

  • Mood:

retrospective

It's been two weeks (well just under) since i decided i was sick of showing up to work hungover and miserable all the time. About a week and a half since i thought why not try to be a bit more vegan-ish in my diet. Let's take a look at the metrics.

I spent twice as much on food on my weekend shopping as i normally do. On the other hand, i have not ordered in once, and i have eaten far more varied meals - nuts and dried fruits, bean tacos, tofu dishes, bananas, apples, a portobello burger, peanut butter and avocado on rice cakes, bread rolls with pepitas, olive oil and balsamic... All kinds of yummy things, and i haven't really felt a craving for meat or cheese.

I've had one extremely drunken night, Sunday last weekend. I ended up puking in the toilet for the first time in a year or more, and for only the second time in my entire life i passed out and then puked while i was asleep too. What the almighty fuck. Does tolerance disappear that quickly? Is this really the first time since i was 15 years old that i drank so heavily, and i was so out of practice that i risked asphyxiating on my own vomit? That was the scariest thing that's happened to me in... almost ever.

I have gone to work mostly clear-headed and been much less cranky and probably a better team lead as a result. (Yes, it's official now.)

I have played a bunch of computer games to distract myself.

I watched three full-length movies that weren't Hackers or Chasing Amy for the first time in i don't even know how long.

I ordered contact lenses and got my hair done - things i have been putting off for weeks.

I am feeling a bit like i have lost the only thing that i identified myself as, which was a functioning alcoholic who resented my job but at least enjoying pissing away my evenings in freedom. Now i have evenings where i am trying to be good and wondering what the point of being good is when the only people who benefit are my colleagues in a job i don't resent but also don't feel excited about.

I have started smoking real cigarettes again. Heavily.

I am remembering my dreams again. And they are all almost exclusively about going to nightclubs or raves and taking drugs.

I am getting slimmer.

In general, i guess, this is a net change for the better. Objectively i am getting more shit done. I am treating the guys at work better. I am probably healthier, despite the extra smoking. I still don't really feel like i am going anywhere in my life, and the feeling of listlessness is exacerbated by not hiding it under the drink, but my hope is that if i sit around bored long enough i might be inspired to do something else with my free time.

Eh, who knows. We'll see how long this lasts.
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