The smoking thing and the drinking thing are linked, i think. Both are a way for me to escape my depressingly mediocre existence. The more sober i am, the better i operate in society. The less cigarettes i smoke, the longer i live to enjoy it. Except, sober, i don't really enjoy it. People in my industry are stupendously overcompensated. The whole industry is built on rampant economic speculation. My work boils down to massaging the shoulders of some Silicon Valley guys who polish high-tech balls that bounce around a roulette wheel for the 1%. I guess at least i'm making some ball-polishers' lives better. When i drink i can forget about how pointless it all is, and that in turn lowers my inhibitions to a point where i can resume committing the very slow suicide of smoking cigarettes.
It's frustrating because the vegetarian experiment was only intended to be a self-motivator, a little psychological tool to prove i can change my life if i just put in a little bit of effort. But instead i realize it took no effort at all besides deciding to buy groceries from a different aisle and order different items off the menu. Big whoop. It takes a lot more effort to NOT pick up a few beers after work. It takes a lot more effort to NOT stumble across the road after those few beers and buy a bottle of rum and pack of cigarettes and fuck everything. It's easier to change a habit than to break it.
Perhaps that's the trick. Perhaps i should embrace the fact i am always going to want to get a drink after work because fuck my job. But instead of buying real alcohol i could buy a shandy. Or even something with no alcohol in it. Coffee! Like i need more fucking caffeine every day. I don't know. I wish i had money without having to work. Maybe i would not feel so dead inside.
I don't really feel dead inside, by the way. I just feel frustrated that i need to participate in this rat race for 30 years just so i can spend my dying years not in poverty. That's fucking dumb.