I've been out clubbing a few times. I took Thursday off last week so i could go to the Katerkiosk birthday. I was a little worried i wouldn't get in because the kiosk is such a small corner of the Kater complex and the club has gotten a lot more popular over the past 2 years, but i needn't have worried. I walked up around 8pm and the bouncer said hi and gave me a VIP bracelet, presumably so as a semi-regular i could duck backstage to escape the unwashed masses that would flood in after midnight. I didn't need the bracelet - it was a miracle i made it till midnight. Heck, i made it till 3am, and by then i was just happy to still be on the dancefloor, even amidst the gaggle of weeknight warriors mostly comprising of tourists who found the place by accident. I hardly ever party after work these days, and even trying to swing a Saturday night gig seems like an insane effort. Plenty of people older than me party much later, but i guess those people aren't struggling with depression or alcoholism or whatever it is that makes it so hard for me to get motivated to do anything after the sun goes down. In any case, it was a fabulous night and i am still finding confetti all over my house.
A week earlier i had a less fabulous Sunday afternoon excursion.
It happens occasionally that very high or very drunk men spot me and fall in love and then decide to follow me around the rest of the night, baffled that their inebriated efforts to be charming or sexy aren't resulting in an insta-boning. Usually i am polite until it gets tiresome, at which point they get some strong words and a firm push. Sometimes i get high too and entertain their advances, but only if it's clear it's as meaningless to them as it is to me. Then, when i am nursing my hangover, i question why girls never fall for me like that. Well, on this fateful night one did. And it sucked. It sucked twice. First it sucked because a part of me was like "finally a chick is into me, thank fucking Christ i have not become lesbian poison" but then i realized i was not remotely aroused. Am i broken? Do i feel nothing any more? Then it sucked because she drugged me. Not like literally forcing drugs down my throat, but i did end up taking a drug i did not want to take on Sunday night and do not enjoy in any case. I got high enough that we kissed and cuddled but not so high i wasn't able to eventually say i actually only came clubbing to dance and hey this was fun but bye. But then she (not a techno fan) followed me to the dancefloor and sat there watching me and it felt awkward and stalkery and if it was a guy i already would have told him to fuck off, but it was a girl and i wasn't sure if she had taken advantage of me by feeding me drugs or if i had taken advantage of her because i was clearly a lot more sober than she was, and why couldn't we just have meaningless fun without any strings anyway? Why do people make things all weird and creepy? Ecstasy is a fucking garbage drug, seriously. Anyway. I left feeling uncomfortable and unhappy.
Because, you know, although i do like seeing the gang when i go out clubbing, i also basically go so that i don't have to deal with the shit i spend my whole week doing. Which is, dealing with personal growth and interpersonal relationships and technical debate and office politics and all the other wonderful things a team lead has to do. I spend 45 hours a week having to be "on", i come home completely exhausted every night and it's all i can do to cook something then drink myself to sleep. There is a very very slim period of the weekend when i am truly relaxed, where i can go out and stare through colored smoke at vague shapes, feel wood under my feet and blink confetti out of my eyes, drink and smile and dance and dance and dance to the best music in the world... I don't need sad and lonely people harshing my buzz. Isn't the beauty around them enough?
Sometimes i do think i am broken. Like i am dead. Like i have lost my soul, because i have no interest in sex any more, no interest in a relationship, barely even interested in maintaining platonic friendships. But i haven't lost my soul. Techno music is my lover. The club is my partner. Those fleeting few hours, totaling maybe one day a month... That's what i care about, that's what makes it all worthwhile. When people threaten that small window of freedom it hurts to my core. That time is sacred and it means more to me than any person ever could. The only constant has been rave.