amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

i want to break free

I was looking at a (late) summer vacation Sunday afternoon. It was my little moment of escape. I decided not to go party. That usually results in me needing to escape into another kind of fantasy. Some really good Chinese food. A game that completely absorbs me. Something to binge watch. Something to binge drink. Or planning a vacation i will never have.

I want to go back to Canada for longer than a weekend. I have some shit to do, like try recover my driver's license from the dark hole of expiry. Like figure out what to do with my several boxes of crap i left at R's house and then had her move across the province because i couldn't get my shit together. Like spend a couple days NOT hungover with R, for that matter. She lives in Windsor now. I briefly visited last year. It's like Detroit, but white. So really nothing like Detroit, except if you don't have a car you're considered practically homeless. Only a nobody walks in LA.

There will be another corporate retreat slash customer meet'n'greet in San Francisco in October. I want to make a great American roadtrip. If i can't retire now, maybe i can take a few weeks and see more of that country. Due to the driver's license debacle i will be seeing it by Greyhound and Amtrak. But i will see it. Michigan. Indiana. The ass-end of Illinois (again). Maybe Iowa or Missouri. Nebraska. Kansas. The Dakotas. Wyoming. Colorado. Utah. Well, mostly Utah. God, i miss Nevada. Utah sounds like Nevada with more Mormons and mesas. I have no idea whether a lack of bars will trump epic mesas, but i intend to find out. With no car i can't stop anywhere, but maybe a passing mesa will make me forget that i need to spend the next 20 years of my life kissing the ass of Bay Area douche canoes just to be able to afford an RV that'll let me do 5 months a year in the Mojave. Assuming the next American president doesn't build a wall to keep us Canadians out. Assuming England doesn't get overrun by xenophobes and leave me a refugee in my own goddamned European Union. Assuming i don't kill myself.

Ugh. Everything is so fucked and i want to go away. I want to go away to the desert and just drive and disappear. Surround myself in nothing. Cacti. Lizards. Dust. Maybe i could finally open that diner i always wanted. I wouldn't care if no one stopped. It would be my diner for me and my imaginary friends. My little circle of freedom in the land of the free.

This is what happens when i don't go clubbing and i dream instead.

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