amw (amw) wrote,

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so, i ran out of beer

Freedom. My two most recent exes understood that freedom was everything to me. Several big fights ended up with the statement "i guess your freedom is more important than X". Yes, yes it is. It will never matter what "X" is. Freedom über alles. Forever. With T i was so wound up and in love that i can't remember if it went there with her. But my last two exes - the last 10 years of my life - they both knew in the end that they lost me to my obsessive need for freedom.

As a kid, as a 20-something, i thought freedom meant some kind of libertarian bullshit. I grew up. Now i'm a leftie who is more than happy to throw my tax money at people less fortunate than myself, but i can't deny my dream of going on the road. Of traveling America. Developing the means for this is still my main blocker for not going all Mother Teresa and giving alms the rest of my life. Fuck marriage. Fuck children. Fuck all that shit that i will happily support other people doing but is not and will never be for me. I need to be able to move. I need to be able to be independent. I need to be free. I wish, i wish i had the money to be free. Free in America. Freedom anywhere else isn't freedom.

But you know. As cold and flat and boring and shitty as most of Canada is. Tom Cochrane's "Life is a Highway" was an anthem for me. Techno music is beautiful because it's intrinsically beautiful. Rock and country music is only beautiful because of the poetry, the place, the video clips. And Tom Cochrane's video of the great wide open made me dream. I need, i need to just go. I need to escape. I need to get away.

I hate this life.

Why does it cost so much to be free?

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