amw (amw) wrote,

What's the deal?

Why am i so tired? I'm fucking sick of it. I was getting better for a while, i think, but the last week or two it's been back to coming home, sitting in front of the PC blankly, playing a computer game with the TV on, just letting my brain trickle out between the floorboards. I don't feel like doing anything after work, but i just wish the "nothing" i did do wasn't "nothing in front of the computer". I get enough of that at work. I should be watching TV.

It's funny... i think playing computer games is really killing my creativity. This weekend i bought "Better Off Dead" on DVD and i sat down with popcorn and laughed my ass off and when i went to bed i felt content and was in a nice little world somewhere. Sometimes i'll draw myself away from the PC and watch a movie on TV or something, and i'll go to bed happy. They help me feel creative, they help my mind work, make me dream. Enjoying the way the sounds and pictures are put together, getting into the story, it's like my brain is occupied with something creative. Most computer games are just a rote hand-eye coordination exercise for me, i go into a weird trance where my brain is actively doing stuff but i'm not actually FEELING anything. I don't like it.

And that's a problem. Coming home from work... It's not just computer games, it's also that mindless clicking around on the web reading random stuff... When i'm actually looking for some information in particular it's great. When i'm just clicking for the sake of clicking my feelings just disappear too, just like a game. It's so... nothing.

You know it's been really hard living here in Australia away from T over the past 18 months. I've really tried to occupy myself with other things so i don't get too upset, but i never wanted to stop feeling altogether. I'm always online when i get home to see if i can say hello before she goes to bed, but really i should just switch the damn computer off when she does go. I'm moving this weekend and will have the computer in a different room from the TV - maybe that will help. On the other hand i'm starting college again in a few weeks and will be forced to sit behind my PC to work... after work. Ugh. I need to get ME back again, i need to feel again because i don't want to come back to her as a zombie. I want to smile! I miss her. I want to cry.
Tags: crazy, depression, gaming, relationships, teh internets

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