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woke up to reality and found the future not so bright
sparkles
amw
It seems i definitely cared a lot more about Brexit than i thought. For months now i have been joking around about becoming a refugee in Europe, but i guess i never really believed it would happen. I couldn't sleep Thursday night, even though i knew there wouldn't be a firm outcome till around 4 or 5am. So i stayed up. And each time another county reported my heart just sank more and more. By Friday morning i was exhausted and stunned. I tried to sleep, but i was in too much shock. I reported in sick for work and then spent the rest of the day reading The Guardian and watching the inevitable fallout.

I have never felt so ashamed of my country. It's one thing to vote in an embarrassing political leader, but it is something very different to watch as the rights of perhaps 70 million people around the world get stripped by 15 million bitter English. Now i know that despite the result, the EU isn't going to kick out its millions of British residents, and Britain won't kick out its millions of European residents. I know that there will always be strong trade relationships and relatively free travel across European borders. But it's the principle. Part of my fundamental cultural identity, part of every Briton's since 1973, is that we are European. I have lived more years on the European continent than i have in the British Isles, and i consider myself European first. But now, although i will remain European for a couple years yet, the next time i fly back here i know the German customs agent is not going to be looking at me the same way. I might be standing in the EU line, but my passport will brand me as a citizen of the one European country that has voted to leave the union out of xenophobia, bigotry and spite. It's shameful. It's fucking shameful.

And it breaks my heart that after 15+ years of being a migrant, of always feeling like an outsider, of fighting with immigration services for my right just to live and work and contribute to society... Finally after all that time i moved back to Europe, and i was welcomed home. I was treated like one of the family. And now, after just three years, my own fucking country has pulled the rug out from underneath me - telling me just kidding, you're not really the European you thought you were for the last 36 years. If i hadn't gotten my Canadian citizenship a couple years ago i would truly have no place to call home any more. Because i can tell you right now, i might have been born in England, but the last time Britain was home to me fucking Rick Astley was top of the pops. And back then i lived in Scotland anyway. So fuck England, and fuck the cynical, xenophobic demagogues who think the cultural identity of tens of millions of people is worth burning to fuel their ambition.

Today i haven't really been able to leave the house either. I felt bad ordering in again so i did briefly venture out for groceries, then came back to marathon Orange is the New Black. Now i've run out of shows. I bought 10 games on Steam. I don't feel like playing any of them. I'm still in shock. A couple friends are in town but i can't face anyone right now. I don't even know if i'll be okay to work Monday. It all feels like a dream. A bad dream. I want to just quit my job, fuck England, fuck Germany, fuck Europe, fuck trying to stay sober, just spend what little money i have finding a desert to OD in.

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