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falling apart
I am really getting to the end of my rope, and this weekend just made it clear. This week i had two old friends from Australia in town - one i knew almost 20 years ago, and another from about 12 years ago. They both contacted me on Facebook after months of pre-warning that they would be in town, and i haven't been game to even read the messages. Meanwhile my friend I, who i see much too irregularly for someone living literally 10 minutes walk from my house, tried to get me to come by all weekend. I would not. Friday night i went out for work drinks, because one of our San Francisco colleagues had his last day here. Work drinks was it. That was my one social event i had any energy for this weekend, because the rest of the time i have been curled in a ball. I am quite sure everyone thinks i am a weird psycho because i can't even answer their messages. I can't even read their messages. But i am done. I am done. I need freedom and i have none. All i want is my freedom.

I watched NXT Takeover. That's about all i did. I haven't looked at my phone since yesterday because i know there are notifications there. Over the past year or two logging onto Facebook sober has become a nightmare, ever since people traveling to Berlin from overseas have decided it's the way to get in touch with me. It's not that i don't want to see them. I just fail to be able to do it when they are here. In a fit of optimism a few weeks ago i offered my place for a friend from Toronto to crash while i am in the US, and that's going to need even more effort. I can't back out on her now, but i am already stressed out about it, and really all i have to do is make a copy of my keys and clean the place really well.

I can't understand what has happened to me. I still work like a fucking rockstar. I have massively cut down on my weeknight drinking - i am not coming into work each day with a hangover. Some work nights i don't even drink at all. But i am still completely and utterly exhausted anyway. Saturday i am still wiped out from the week. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be on the hook for anything. I do love and care about my friends, but any time i am obliged to answer their messages, to visit them, to plan my weekend around seeing them... it just completely forces me deeper into my shell and i am left shaking at home so filled with anxiety i can't even do the things i normally love to do. On my own.

I almost wish i didn't have any friends, or family. My work colleagues are more than enough effort, they take everything from me. The only peeople i want to see on the weekends are strangers, and smiling faces in the club who ask nothing from me, who expect nothing. I want to be free, i just want to be free. Work is killing me, it is fucking destroying me. I don't know how much longer i can do this.
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