amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

holes on fire

So, dear (non-existent) readers, it is time for some TMI.

I have been suffering from what i thought was a UTI. I say i thought it was one, because i am not sure i have ever had one before, or at least none nearly as bad as this one. It started at some point when i was in the US, i think the day after i got my ankle sprain and ended up stuck in a motel. Of course, being red state America, i did not go to visit a doctor - not for my ankle, nor my burning peehole. I just figured if i put a lot of ice on my foot and drank a lot of water, things would be fine. So i did that, and i persevered, and it got better and worse and stayed just about the same and before i knew it i was back in Europe.

Back in Europe where i subsequently also did not go to the doctor. But no longer for fear of the insanely high American doctors' fees. I just don't like seeing doctors for things that i should be able to fix myself. Sprained ankle? Rest, ice, compression, elevation, walk it off. UTI? Drink a ton of water. In spite of my swift return to high-functioning alcoholism, i attempted to do just that. But eventually it hurt so much i couldn't ignore it any more. The German doctor made me pee in a cup and, after the test, said it wasn't serious. She gave me a prescription for some kind of dissolvable antibiotic anyway.

That was Thursday last week. I had been sober for all of 24 hours at that point so elected not to bother with the meds. I drank a lot of water. Friday i was reasonably okay. The entire weekend i did not drink a drop of alcohol and felt amazing. Of course, i didn't have energy to leave the house or talk to anyone - par for the course for an after work weekend - but i didn't drink to escape either.

This morning i woke up feeling fine (again). But literally one fucking day of work and i was back on the bottle and now things are hurting so bad down there that i can't even sleep. It's been two hours since i first turned off my light to try sleep, but everything hurts. Not only did i take the antibiotics a half hour ago, but i took an ibuprofen too. And i never take drugs. The ibuprofen i took was one of the two i bought after i sprained my ankle almost a month ago. Even lying there in some of the worst pain i ever felt in my life i only took one. Because i think taking drugs for pain is bullshit. If you're not taking them for fun, then you're just a slave to yet another thing.

But here i am, shackled to my job, shackled to the bottle, shackled to fucking painkillers, and goddamn antibiotics to treat some kind of infection that apparently only rears itself when i have been at work. Fuck fucking everything. Fuck it all. I need to get out. I wish i could get out. I wish this bullshit fucking society would let people get out. I hate not being free. I hate that i can't feel free the way other people can. I should feel free in the evenings, on the weekends, but i don't. Because every moment i am not at work i know that in 12 hours, in 16 hours, in 72 hours, i will be back in chains. I can't relax knowing that. I can never be free as long as i have these bullshit obligations. A culture that forces people to work to live is no culture at all.

Also, my peehole hurts.
Tags: career, crazy

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