I can't let myself get to the point i have done several times in the last month or so where i am seriously thinking about suicide again. It doesn't matter if it's only drunk thoughts. It's thoughts i haven't had in a long time and really don't need to have back.
It's a vicious circle. When i get to the edge of coping, i turn to the bottle. But even if it works for a moment, it leaves me weaker, and even closer to the edge.
I need to get away from this.
I don't know how much longer i can keep it together at work. I wanted to give my guys one year of good management. Now i feel barely able to make it through 18 months at the company.
One year is March. Just 4 more months. I don't know where i will go next, but i can't stay here any longer. I need to be free again.