amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

hit the wall

I am wiped. This was an intense week.

Our team released some infrastructure that ended up messing up so bad we got a public shaming (bug report via Twitter). Then the guys got all stressed out and got into this meth addict-y loop of trying (and failing) to fix ever more tangential things till they lost track of what the original problem was in the first place. They left early Thursday and both were out on Friday. I came in with fresh eyes and have a fix i think will solve it, but the stress level was very high.

Meanwhile i did take everyone out for lunch on Wednesday to give us a breather and a moment to celebrate the actually larger success of our infrastructure project (the piece that failed was a very small but unfortunately public part). We got into really deep discussions of religion and politics and society. My team is definitely Team SJW compared to the other guys in the company. I also had one of my direct reports break down in tears during a one-on-one because they cared so much about a particular topic and had felt their opinions weren't being heard. Yay emotions.

It was also a week of giving peer feedback, so everyone was trying to think about how to be constructive but not too negative, but not sugar-coating... And then there is that subtle "did i say something too harsh" vibe the next time you see the person in the office. Urgh.

And all that against a backdrop of struggling to find an insurance company who will cover me when i go traveling, being told i need to find some timeslots for 60 (!) potential renters to come check out the apartment, i need to call the HVAC guy, the electric guy, i need to find a way to either donate all my junk or have it picked up... Fuck, i am so done with everything.

Oh yeah, and there is this fucking guy in America who appears hell-bent on plunging us all into a third world war.

So i am stressed. I am unhappy. I just want to run away, i want to disappear. I want to be anonymous again. My colleagues want to have events to see me off, they want to exchange contact details, they want to keep in touch, they want me to blog while i am away[1]... And that shit, that shit is exactly what makes me want to leave in the first place. No i do not want your friendship, i do not want you to get to know me, or care about what happens to me next, i am just another drifter. Sure, i give everything i have to the company, to my colleagues, because that is what i am being paid to do and i take the contract i signed very seriously. Leaving them is hard because i do care very much about their careers and the ongoing success of the company. But when that contract is done, i am done. I want to be free. I want to not have to deal with anyone.

People make me crazy. They do, they do. Friends, family, relationships, colleagues - when i don't have any of them i am content. When they come into play i'm a timebomb. The anxiety and stress builds till i feel strangled, trapped. My mood crashes and i hate everything and all i want is to be free again. I can't be free when i have to deal with people who want something from me.

[1] Although a few of my real-life friends and family members have learned about this LJ over the past 15 years, i doubt they keep up with it, and i never in sobriety share this address with people i know in real life.
Tags: anxiety, bird in a gilded cage, career, crazy

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