amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

Fuck.

Fuck to the fuckin fuck fuck. I need to get out of the rut. I wish i didn't even need to worry about getting out of the rut and i could piss away a couple of weeks getting high and listening to music and shit. The dreams i had when i was 15, 16, they haven't gone away. I'm supposed to have grown up by now you know. Fuckin buy a house, fuckin furniture, shit. I'm getting too old to do the things i want and everyone i know is either boring or fucking jaded and so am i. I'm 24. People DO SHIT by the time they're 24. The kids i used to hang out with are writing music for video games now, or movies. People i knew became journalists and writers and musicians. Ten years ago when i was reading comics people ten years my senior were writing them, and now ten years on they're still doing what they love and i'm doing fuck all. Actors, fucking directors, "famous people", now they're MY AGE and being a part of something i'm still a million miles away from. I'm fucking celibate. I'm lonely, i put myself through all kinds of queer shit for years and i hate my body more now than i ever did before. I'm uncomfortable in who i am and everything i'm doing and i don't know how to get out and be me again. It's turning into summer again, i hate the heat here. I don't know how to escape this, i'm so pathetic i watch fucking cable news all the time just so i don't have to hear Australian accents on TV i'm so sick of hearing it in everyday life. I like to pretend i'm not here, like i'm not who i am. I dream every night i'm not here, that i'm not "amw", that i'm ME again and i'm free. I didn't know... Man if i could go back and talk to 14 year old me, or 16 year old me, or even 18 year old me there's so much... so much shit i could've avoided. And the worst thing is people say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... that you grow from it, build character, well what fucking ever man. All i have to show for the past five years is a fucking shitload of regret, two credit cards full of debt, and a personality that gets more bitter and more jaded every fucking day. And still i dream of escaping, the same dreams i ever had... This isn't who i wanted to be and it fucking kills me.
Tags: australia sucks, bird in a gilded cage, career, crazy, depression, freedom, gender, looking back, rants
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