amw (amw) wrote,

a selfish prayer

Dear God,

I know you are probably being overwhelmed with prayers right now, prayers asking for help and support with problems much greater than my own. On another day i might talk about those other things happening in the world, those other people who need your attention, but today i want to talk about me.

I am unhappy in so many ways. But i have been getting by in spite of it, and i have been trying hard to help and improve myself. I have a list of things i know i need to do, and i have been slowly but steadily moving through them over the past month. The last few days saw a bit of a turnaround, though, and i need to ask for help.

I came to this country against my will almost exactly five years ago. I have learned a lot here, i have grown up, started my career and changed in many ways... but i have also spent so many days frustrated and angry and unhappy with the country and its citizens. I understand some people are happy to call Australia home, but for me it has never been and will never be my home.

For a year, from late 2001 to late 2002, i was living in the United States. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be in that country i have always dreamt of living in, thank you for allowing me a year with the woman i love with all of my heart. But now, back in Australia, i feel more alienated than ever. It's as if i speak a completely different language. I miss my lover. I miss the smallest things, the American accents on television, the drive-throughs, the cars, the food, the confidence and friendliness. I miss free refills and free condiments. I miss being treated kindly by people, i miss people being relaxed, i miss living somewhere where things matter.

What stops me going back is bureaucracy. Getting a visa, getting a job, getting a sponsor, paper, paper, paper. I would happily give up my citizenship or residence to other countries. I would pledge my allegiance. I would let the FBI do a complete background search. I would pay my own way. But it's not enough. My friends and i have looked at and researched every option to no avail. I sit here in tears. In May 1997 i swore i would be out of this country as soon as i could earn enough money. In October 2001 i thought i was free. In March 2003 it looks like i'll be stuck here longer than ever.

Please, please help me. Give me a miracle, a small one. Everything else i know i can do myself, and know that i am trying and slowly succeeding. One little miracle would help me in so many ways. Every day i hold out hope... hope hope. Help me out of this country, take me home :-(

Tags: american dream, australia sucks, depression, immigration

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