amw (amw) wrote,

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why do we do this to ourselves?

I have been doing this job over 20 years now. I still hate it.

I never went to school to become a software developer. I switched to an IT major after realizing i would never earn money with a philosophy major. Well, i suppose i could've become a journalist or something. But it was the dotcom years, IT was where the money was, and i've been a computer nerd since the 1980s. It's easy money getting paid to do something you've been dicking around with since childhood.

My work days are full of the usual problems. Anyone who ever worked knows the problems. Shit tools. Shit bosses. Shit colleagues. Shit vendors. Shit customers. Doesn't matter what industry, there's always some shit. We all have to deal with it.

Anyway, i was thinking about people who say if you don't like your job then just switch careers, but i know that's not for me. It's not being a software developer that i hate. My job is a job with all the usual problems, but it's also a job that i am pretty good at. It's a job where i can wear casual clothes and show up at 10am and occasionally (depending on the employer) cry and drink and hide in a pillow fort while i work from home.

My job is not a bad job. I just hate being forced to go to work every day for the rest of my life.

I hate working so fucking much. I hate it with everything. I resent that we all have to do it. It makes me sick that the only reason the government will let me visit this country (or, in fact, any country where i don't hold citizenship) is because i can work. If i stop working, the government will kick me out. It's garbage. It's shit. It's the worst thing. It's the perpetual boot on my throat and i hate it.

Every week is exactly the same.

Life should be more than just work 5 days, hangover on Saturday and dread on Sunday.

I am in the thick of the dread.

Thank God i have that vacation coming on the 25th. I know i won't do anything. It'll take me a week just to recover, and then i'll almost be back at work again. But at least it's some time to breath, try to remember who i am.
Tags: bird in a gilded cage, career, depression

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