amw (amw) wrote,

awkward musing on feminism

I'd like to talk about gender.

Today i had the strange experience of playing a mediocre yuri visual novel and watching the latest episode of Mrs America. The juxtaposition was stark.

For those who aren't up on all the anime lingo - and, to be honest, i'm not either - yuri is a genre of manga/anime that features women who love women. But, i think, it's mostly aimed at teenage boys.

I was a teenage boy, once. I wasn't really into lesbian porn or whatever, but i also was fairly uncomfortable with sexual relations, period. I had "playing doctor" experiences with both boys and girls as a kid, but never felt comfortable having actual sex until i was in my 20s, by which time i had had the full sex change op.

I have had sexual relations with both men and women since then, but i only ever loved women. Men were just some kind of game to play, a dick to jack off, some fun at a nightclub, not really anything i would ever consider as a potential partner.

I married a woman. I think mostly because she wanted to, but i was a romantic so why not? The immigration reason helped. I divorced her when i realized that, for her, marriage meant socializing with family you hate, buying a house, having kids, all that stuff i never planned.

I mean, i also developed a meth addiction and she was in NA, so that made it even more awkward.

Nowadays i am happily single and would not consider partnering up with anyone.

I still think women are beautiful and men are hideous.

At the beginning of my life as a woman i tried to embrace being a lesbian, despite at least one embarrassing situation when a "real" lesbian accused me of being yet another man trying to take advantage of her. I realized then that both the male gay community - where i had previously been very active because fucking techno - and the female gay community pretty much hated transpeople.

I mean, that's not entirely true. But there is a branch of feminism that thinks transwomen are not "real" women. And there is a branch of male gayness that thinks transwomen are just men who can't accept that gender is a social construct.

To be honest, i agree with both of them. I don't believe that transwomen are "real" women, and i do believe that most men who want to be women feel that way because of the social expectations of men. This is an extremely controversial position to take in the 21st century, and it's very unpopular in the contemporary trans community, which has thrown its support behind "gender self-identification" and whatever the fuck young people think is the thing.

I am an old trannie. I am a trannie of the era when "trannie" was a word that we proudly reclaimed. The youngsters have now proclaimed that to be a slur, never to be spoken again. I have no idea why, but i guess it's some American thing. This is the downside of American culture taking over the rest of the world, via the internet.

I don't really get the self-identification thing, because for me - as it turned out - the biggest deal was getting my cock and balls removed. I went back and forth over whether that was a good idea for a fucking decade. As if legit men would shrug their shoulders and get it done on a whim. After i had the surgery i thought it was the biggest mistake of my life. You see, i kept falling in love with straight women, and then thinking that if i only i still had my gear, i'd be able to make them love me more.

Come on. I now know that straight women ain't ever gonna turn gay just because you had a peen as a child.

But then again, many lesbians don't feel comfortable with "women" who did.

Did i ever have the experience of my first period? Of course not. Was i pushed out of STEM as a child? Of course not. Did i experience the pressures and problems of a young girl? Never. And - honestly - any transwoman who says they did is lying. Young boys - straight, gay, trans, whatever - had entirely different pressures and problems.

Nowadays i simply identify as trans. What's my gender? My gender is trans. I understand things about women that men do not, and i understand things about men that women do not. But i don't really understand the full male experience, or the full female experience. I stopped taking female hormones years ago. I haven't have any male hormones since the surgery. I'm neuter. I'm nothing. I think gender is bullshit. I fucking hate gender. In that, i have more in common with hardass gender-nonconforming diesel dykes than any of these new age "my gender is whatever i want it to be" folks.

We're not very popular in this day and age.

Anyway, i have spent over 20 years as a woman in society. That's longer than i lived as a boy. My passport says F. My birth certificate (rightfully) says M. My entire adult life i have lived as a 6 foot 3, deep-voiced woman. I have come to realize that many genetic women of my stature experience the same mistaken gender as i do, so i don't get pissed when people mistake me for a man.

Since the corona lockdown, i stopped shaving my body. I spent a ridiculous amount of money on electrolysis for my face. I used to epilate my legs. I quit all that years ago, but i continued shaving my body every week or two. Now i have let the underarm hair and the leg hair grow, and you know what? Nobody fucking cares. Perhaps it's because i'm 40. Perhaps it's because i'm in China and anyway i stick out like the 1 in a 1000 foreign weirdo, people stare regardless. But, fuck, people stared in other countries too.

I hardly ever see my dad, but a few years back he and i went on vacation to Istanbul and he got all cut up that the men were staring at me.

Yo, people fucking stare. That's being a woman. I have also been sexually assaulted by a cab driver. You wanna hear about some more objectification? Fuck, let me count the ways.

Being a woman, being a transwoman, that's one thing we all gotta deal with.

So i'm reading this written-by-men yuri visual novel and thinking "that's not how a lesbian would behave", and i'm watching this show about feminism and women who have been under the thumb finally realizing that the patriarchy is garbage, and... i realize that THE FUCK YES i am allowed be a feminist.

I don't like how much of the tech industry feminism has been led by transwomen. I mean, i get it. There is a spectacular gender imbalance in our industry, so of course there are 1 in a 1000 men who decide to become women, and they get a rude awakening when they realize that their words suddenly went from being important to being ignored post-transition... But i never felt it was our place to co-opt the movement. I literally left women's spaces because i felt like i was an impostor.

And, for real, i still feel like an impostor in these new age all-inclusive women's spaces. I mean, i know it fucking dates me, but i do not believe that transwomen are the same as genetic women. Our upbringing is totally different, you can't fucking change that. But... watching Mrs America, watching this great dramatization of the second wave feminist movement in America... And i realize - yes, the fuck yes. I might not consider myself a full-blown woman, but i still full-throatedly support the right for women to choose. I 100% support a law that would ban discrimination based on gender - or sex! - in the workplace and anywhere else. We all are fucking people, you know? That's a thing i can get behind.

So, i guess my point is... i might not be the average woman, but i'm still some kind of woman, and i still support women's rights, and i'm not going to feel shy about that.

Anyway, i am drunk (again) and i really needed to get this out.

Y'all should watch Mrs America, it's a very good show.
Tags: gender, i am durnk, tv

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.