amw (amw) wrote,

June 4 decision

Today in history, an authoritarian government decided to break up peaceful protests by sending the military into the streets to shoot and kill hundreds - perhaps thousands - of students and workers gathered in public spaces all over the capital. Many more were imprisoned. All news of the event was suppressed. The country's resistance movement never recovered.

For 30 years since there has been a vigil held in a free city just over the southern border. This year the vigil was banned by the authoritarian government, which has since extended its reach into the formerly free city. People came out anyway. The police were uncharacteristically lenient.

Outside of Hong Kong, you'd never know it was the anniversary of anything. Offices, schools, shops, everyone is going about their lives busy and unbothered. Pollution has returned to its pre-corona levels. A fine summer day. The only thing out of place is the fences and checkpoints around working class neighborhoods. But perhaps that's not out of place. China is run by violent authoritarians, after all. Never forget.

Today in 2020, i handed in my resignation.

After spending another day at home sick, i accepted the fact that i simply cannot take this any more.

I have friends who have spent much of their lives on government disability support, primarily for mental health reasons. There was a period in my life where i also ended up on temporary disability support for mental health issues. Diagnosed manic depressive. Anxiety. Psychosis. The usual. I was on and off meds and in and out of therapy for many years. When i first moved to Canada i was in and out of psychiatric emergency a few times before being checked in to treatment for a couple months. It was very hard for me to admit that i needed help.

My mom raised me to be independent so i wanted more than ever not to have to depend on anyone, not the government, not family, not friends, no one. I force myself into work every day, don't matter how much of a wreck i am at home, at work i always put on a smile and smash it. Most of my colleagues see me as a top performer, a great engineer, a compassionate lead, someone who always does their best. Perhaps only one or two of my former colleagues know how very much that takes out of me. It's taken me a long time to accept i have limits.

A wise person scanning my résumé might figure it out. 18 months here. 1 year there. Occasionally 2. I work until i break, and when i break, it's done.

Since Dragon Boat Festival is coming up, i offered to give 5 weeks notice instead of 4, in return for taking that week off. That gives me till July 11 plus the 2-3 week imaginary buffer of still being pseudo-legal in this country to figure out what to do next. It's either going to be a job in Canada, or wandering aimlessly through Europe. I suppose the reverse could happen but that seems less likely. Doesn't really matter. What matters is that right now i have no idea where i will be in 2 months, and that's the greatest feeling in world.

The depression is already lifting. Even with the waves of bad news this week, i feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Soon, no job. Shortly after, no home. Finally, freedom again! Back to a brief stretch of existence where i will have peace.
Tags: career, crazy, freedom

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