amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

i'm losing my thread

So, i suppose it was inevitable. Whenever i have been in North America (or Australia for that matter) my mental health has been utterly disastrous. It's in these new world nations where i was diagnosed bipolar, where i spent years taking prescription medication just to stay stable, where i spent years as a daily drinker and/or illegal drug user to try cope. The lifestyle here just wears me down.

I fucking hate car culture so very fucking much. I hate that being someone who walks around makes me into a target. I got fucking tailed by the fucking police the other day, for having the nerve to just... walk around on foot? I mean, i guess? Or spend a few hours sitting alone in a park? Fuck, i don't know. Don't those assholes have anything better to do? Fuck the police!

I was doing a test run, packed my pack full of gear and got dressed in my new old woolly clothes, spent 12 hours outside in the cold and the rain. My discovery is that... i fucking hate the rain. I mean, i already knew that i hated the rain. But now it is confirmed. I really do hate it. Everything is colder when it's raining. Everything is more uncomfortable. The plants are disgusting, the grass is revolting, the whole of nature turns into a soggy, seeping, filthy ooze. Don't even get me started on the hideous rot of fallen leaves. The urban area isn't much better, because fucking cars will storm past and splash you head to toe because drivers are self-absorbed dickheads.

The fucking police are after me, it feels like, like... fucking dogs... Yeah, that's another fucking thing! I hate dogs. Fucking people walking dogs. And police dogs. And fucking trucks. And trucks with dogs in them. And police in trucks with dogs. Fuck all of them!

Seriously, i feel like i'm losing my mind here, like my whole world is collapsing on itself. I looked up some pictures of Almería last night and i am regretting that i didn't just go to Europe and brave whatever coronavirus outbreak and post-Brexit nonsense is going on there. It's sunny over there. Rain doesn't exist. At least in Europe i can just put my bag on and walk to the next town. Walk! I can WALK to the next town! Here i am trapped, everything is so far away from everything else, and nobody gives a shit. They just belch more poisonous gases into the atmosphere. There are no corner shops, only chain stores because people are too lazy to even walk a couple hundred meters to do their shopping, they'd rather drive ten times as far for ten times shittier service and products. Everything local went out of business years ago. Roads without sidewalks. I don't care, i'll walk on them anyway because fuck everyone destroying this planet and civilized society with their soulless angry noise bubbles. Some day we will reclaim the streets for human beings, we must.

I can't breathe inside, i can't fucking breathe because i am living in a share house and other people in the house use central heating. Who the fuck uses central heating when liquid water still runs out the tap? Assholes, that's who. It's sweltering, i'm dying, even with the only two windows open that have a bug screen, it's stuffy. I haven't been sleeping properly, like only a couple hours a night and now the sleep deprivation has caught up and i feel like i am on meth. The bad part, not the good part. I can't sleep because i am drowning, i am trapped here. Why on Earth did i buy new stuff? What the fuck was the point of that? Now i have too much stuff, it's more than fits in my pack, i can't escape! The winter will snow me in, i will be trapped! I don't know what to do, i don't know what to do, i am losing my fucking mind. I wish i was in Europe. I wish i was anywhere else. I wish i was on the road. I hate being stuck, i hate having stuff, it is the literal fucking worst, i want to die.
Tags: bird in a gilded cage, canada fuck yeah, crazy
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