amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

gays gays gays, schmokin weed, schmokin wiz

A strange thing about my sexuality, or my gender, is that i kind of always wish i had been gay.

Like, a gay man.

I love all of the stereotypical gay culture things. I love techno music. I love drugs. I love partying. I love offensive humor. I love drag. I love thumbing my nose at heteronormative lifestyles - marriage, children, white picket fence, all that nonsense.

The only thing i don't love, is dick.

Well, in recent years i've come to realize that i don't much care about sex or romance at all, but the point stands.

I think my life would have been a lot easier if i had just been a gay man. Not to say they have it easy, but the life of an MTF trans lesbian/female-attracted person is more complicated, i think.

There is a trend these days to try to divorce the "T" from the "LGB". Gender identity is different to sexual preference. Bla bla bla.

I think that's bullshit. They are deeply connected, because society connects it.

Before i transitioned, sometimes people would read me as a gay man. Nowadays when people don't read me as a woman, they tend to still read me as a gay man. Or a sex worker, or some kind of kinky weirdo. Sex sex sex. Everyone looks at the world through the lens of sex. I don't get a choice in the matter. When people do read me as a vanilla woman, they read me as straight, because why would anyone bother transitioning to become a lesbian?

Why, indeed. There is a fairly significant number of lesbians who think trans women don't count as lesbians. And, honestly, i don't hold it against them. They've had to deal with men fetishizing them - or trying to turn them straight - forever. I get it, I've been through the same shit, it sucks.

But that really fucking narrows the options, you know? As if it wasn't enough to be a homosexual, which is already a small minority whose options are much smaller than the average person, inside that minority, there are a lot of people who don't consider you authentically homosexual in the first place, so what then?

And so help me God if some friendly LiveJournaler wants to comment "oh no but amw, you're really a woman in my eyes and any true lesbian can see that", please save it. That's not how it is in the real world. Sexual preference is irrational. Imo it's entitled to expect yourself to be put on the smorgasbord with cis people, because a good chunk of cis people are creeped out by trans people when it comes down to fannies and willies. That might not be the ideal situation, but that's just how it is. It's the cards we were dealt, as a minority. They'll always fear us because we're different. Same with foreigners, same with people of color, same with everyone.

I suppose that's why people move to the city, or move to a ghetto in the city, because that's where they can be surrounded by more people like them. Sometimes it's nice to be in a place where you can go outside and just be yourself, to be in a place where you don't feel like a minority in every fucking thing that you do.

I think that's why gay clubs were a thing, and why perhaps they will still be a thing when this fucking bullshit pandemic is over. I suppose it's why "the trans community" is a thing, although personally i find most of them insufferable. Told ya. I should've been a gay man. I fit in a lot better with them.

Do i have a point? Probably not.

This whole post was brought to you by a drunken watch of the first episode of It's A Sin, which made me cry. Not because it's a sad story (which it is), but because it is full of the 80s music that i love, and because it features gay men trying to find a place for themselves.

I know i've shared it before, but this song speaks to me in many ways.


Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy

Pushed around and kicked around / always a lonely boy
You were the one that they'd talk about / around town as they put you down
And as hard as they would try / they'd hurt to make you cry
But you never cried to them / just to your soul
No you never cried to them / just to your soul

I got in so many fights as a tween. I was beaten up so many times. In New Zealand i escaped my branding as a pom, as a pansy, by beating down on some other faggot who was even lower in the standings than i was. We destroyed that guy, and i still feel guilty about it. It was only on the weekends that i secretly hung out with the cool kids, smoking cigarettes and reading Penthouse.

In Europe i came into my own. There i was only punched up once, by a bunch of immigrant kids, for being a nerd. In the end - after almost being choked to death - it grew to some kind of begrudging mutual respect, i think, as we all turned out to be druggies and fuckups, nerdly hobbies or not.

Somehow, life was simpler then, before i decided to change my sex. Realizing i might be trans made every social interaction a lot more fraught.

Yeah, that time when you're 41 and you're wishing you were 14 getting your head smashed in. Fucking. This is why we don't drink on a school night, kids. Fuck.
Tags: gender, i am durnk, looking back
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