amw (amw) wrote,

letters from the hole

I might not be an indigenous North American - or even born here on Turtle Island - but, friends, the past couple weeks has taken an emotional toll. It's heavy to see the town you live in at the top of the national headlines for day after day, becoming a symbol for generations of human rights violations.

I haven't been in the mood to do much of anything. We had one or two blazing hot days, and then - suddenly - it cooled. The snow has melted and the beaches are underwater, the water lapping right up into the trees where rough sleepers used to pitch their tents. I've been crying more than i should.

The house is finally going on the market. On Thursday the realtor will be doing a walkthrough, then there will probably be a photographer, open house, viewings, all that shit.

Today i cleaned the bathroom, bedroom and lounge. It was a pretty quick job because i don't have any stuff. So it was basically just wiping the accumulated dust off the many surfaces i have never used and the grime off the few surfaces where i have spilled booze.

The kitchen will be a bit of a bigger job. Not because it's a very big kitchen or there is much mess - i clean as i go and always do the dishes immediately after eating. But there is a layer of grease all over everything close to the pan, grease that doesn't come off with the quick wipedown i do after cooking. I suppose i will need to use some special product for it. Usually i only do that once per apartment - just before moving out.

I will need to move out soon. I just want to make it through till my number comes up for the second vaccination, which will be August at the earliest and September at the latest according to the current plan. And then... And then i don't know. I have lost almost all desire to travel across Canada since i've spent the past year here anyways. I know each town has a new story to tell, but somehow i find myself unmotivated by any of it. I just want to cry some more.

I am so fucking sick of this cold, damp ass weather. This is one of the driest, warmest, sunniest spots in Canada, but it doesn't feel that way when it's overcast and a cool breeze is keeping it under 20 degrees in motherfucking June. Yesterday it hailed. I am sad. I am angry. I'm feeling lost. I'm trying not to get drunk this weekend so i can deal with all the real estate shit coming up next week. So there's no escape there.

Just me, here, sitting on a chair, typing. Sigh.
Tags: depression, my boring life, news

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