I spent most of yesterday sleeping, crying, shouting at nothing and (in the evening) drinking. I've spent most of this morning crying. I don't fucking know what to do.
I'm so scared of taking a job at Small Company "A" and finding out it's going to be the same environment as my previous employer. Small company, extremely vertical market, very little growth, very little hope for advancement, using technologies that are rapidly becoming obsolete, etc.
You know i came to Melbourne because i wanted to get out of this. I wanted to get out of IT altogether for God's sake. But failing that, the least i could do is get into a really cool IT job, something that would excite me. Maybe that romantic notion of working for a Silicon Valley-ish start-up or maybe a multinational IT powerhouse. Certainly not for another vertical market local small business.
It's quite possible that the reality wouldn't measure up to the fantasy and there'd be just as much frustration with management and environment and technologies - in fact there'd probably be more - but if i don't try it and i'm just treading water then why did i come here in the first place? I have no friends down here. It's fucking freezing cold. It's nowhere near as cosmopolitan and interesting as i expected it to be - more than Brisbane for sure, but it's definitely not an exciting international city. Then i get depressed about moving. Then i get depressed about the shit weather. Then it's all why do i always have to take the first job i'm offered? Why do i find it so hard to turn an offer down? Why am i scared to work for a small company? Why does it bother me that i walk in for an interview and there's no receptionist there? Am i just inventing "bad" things about a job to avoid facing the anxiety of starting a new position?
Yes i'm depressed and i have anxiety issues. It gets worse the longer i'm unemployed. I know once i'm working - in any job - they'll go away (to an extent). I know i'll do the job well and be a model employee because that's just what i do. But i don't want to sit here in a year's time whinging on my journal about the same shit that i did a year ago. I want to feel like i'm going forward - in my salary, in my career, in my job satisfaction, the whole thing.
I just don't know what to do. This was supposed to be a positive change for me, this move. It was going to start a new page. Being "out" at work, being happy at work, all these things. I'm so scared it's gonna keep going the same way if i go with "A". But what if "B" or "D" don't make me an offer? What if what if what if?