amw (amw) wrote,


It's 12:30am. I'm supposed to be at an acid techno night where i arranged to meet up with a guy i know who's down on vacation from Queensland. I flaked. I'm turning back into the hermit i was in 2004, and that's driving me nuts. I think i was dead to everyone during that year and i don't want to have that happen again.

There are SO MANY nights i want to go to here in Melbourne. The scene has heaps more variety than Brisbane. There's this aforementioned acid techno club night i'm sure i'd enjoy frequenting. There's a deep house club night that sounds really cool. There's a UK hard house night i've been to once that plays some music i like. There are heaps of standalone events. But i don't go.

My surface excuses are it's too cold or too far away or i'm too tired, but they're all bullshit. I went out in Holland when it was snowing; i've travelled from Toowoomba to Byron Bay (3-4 hours drive) to get to parties before. I know i'm getting old and i get tired around 3 these days, but if the music's pumping i can still keep going. I think the reality is i just don't like the vibe here. I don't feel comfortable.

So far i've been to:
  • hard trance raver club

  • Earthcore - giant outdoor doof/festival

  • Paul Mac live in a small club

  • trashy gay pop music club

  • Frankie Knuckles at a gay club

  • electro house and trance warehouse party

  • UK hard dance and trance club

  • commercial house and pop gay club

All totally different crowds, and everywhere i felt like an outsider. I'm most comfortable in the gay clubs, but even there it's like 97% male and 3% fag hag, which is painful compared to Brisbane where the venues are much more mixed.

You know probably for most people it'd just be like meh. Don't like the vibe, won't go out, big deal. But this is something that's been a part of my life for years and something i love and enjoy so much. The music speaks to me, just being out there on the dancefloor, looking around and smiling at people, i'm sure i'm sounding like a dork but fuck it just feels right. I really feel happy out there in clubland. But not here in Melbourne clubland. I don't know what's different. Maybe i just haven't found the right place yet? And then i look at all the people i've met down here - even outside the clubs - and they're all the same. I'm really unhappy.

I verbally have the job at "B". All of my problems with "B" have been due to the recruiter who has been the source of massive miscommunication and multiple screw-arounds. I'm being screwed around right now because i'm supposedly starting on June 5 but that's based on her word, which i no longer trust. If i get it it'll be a 9-month contract. That's looking particularly attractive to me right now because if things don't get better in nine months... Ugh.

I know, i know. I haven't met the right people. I haven't gone to the right clubs. Bleh. It shouldn't be this hard to find people who don't piss me off. Where's my cranky hat?
Tags: career, depression, i am a hermit, raving

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