amw (amw) wrote,

why won't it shut up???

I seriously need some good photos of me. I think half the reason i'm feeling ugly is because i don't have any good photos. Every time i do take a photo i look tired and haggard and shit. Or drunk. I blame that on lighting, but i can't explain away my fat. Goddamnit i'm a size 16 now. My belly is all jiggly. And i'm still not even a full B cup. My face is all round n shit too :-( I hate being old.

Also i'm getting fucking rosacea. Any time i exercise/exert myself my cheeks go bright red. By the afternoons when my make-up is dying i'm all red and my skin gets rough. This is all since moving to this dryass city. I've been slapping on the Cetaphil daily and it ain't doing much. In better face news, BeneFit is now available down here, so i've started using their concealer instead of MAC's because it's less smoodgy and it covers my purple eye-rings better. Still love that Studio Fix, though. Bestest foundation/powder ever.

And then just when i'm like "yeah, i'm feeling the stablest i have in years", you know, settling down, new job, new place, chilling out... Fucking i don't know what happens but stupid mental disorders bite you in the ass and it just won't shut up even when i'm doing everything right. My teeth hurt and i want to sleep normally and i want to stop crying every five minutes or actually eat some food and not stress about the stupid shit and lie in bed shaking and blah! Want to be normal.

Garr!!! Whiney whine whine cheese and whine. This is my third day off in a row. I got the permanent position at work so i'm using up my contractor leave before i start fo' rizzle. I'm going to be working on a pretty high-profile open source project. Good for the resume. Should be challenging and interesting too. Back to work tomorrow for two days then the weekend again :-)

Later on this morning i will visit the dentist, the doctor and the eye doctor. Ah, how practically i utilize my time off work. Since i finally have health insurance for the first time in like 8 years going to the dentist won't cost a fortune. Well not for the check-up. I better not have any cavities or anything. My mom just had to fork out ten grand on dental work. My ex-flatmate was stung for about four grand. I don't have that kind of money, even with my new super-fantabulous software engineer salary. I'm only just paying off my credit cards. Anywho.

My new synthesizer is in the mail. Maybe it will encourage me to write music. I still have tax money left over for some bigger clothes and to pay for my old CDs to be sent down i hope. I put the rest in the credit card, responsible person that i am.

I must watch Nacho Libre. And Snakes On A Plane.
Tags: anxiety, crazy, depression, making music, manic, my boring life

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