amw (amw) wrote,

stupid regret

In 1999 teenage amw did something that's probably the single thing i've most regretted in my life. I was going through some real fucked up headspace. I was seriously depressed and didn't know how to get through it, so i disappeared on the person i cared about most at the time. I felt like i had to deal with all my shit on my own, like noone else would understand it, like i needed to get away from everything, stop talking to everyone i knew and just fix things myself. About a year later i realized i'd made a mistake and got back in contact with a few people. T was one of them, the most important one. And life went on but things were never quite the same, perhaps i never really forgave myself or perhaps the moment was gone or fuck knows. I can't keep obsessing over decisions i made 8 years ago, they all made me who i am now and got me where i am, it's all for a reason... But one of things i think i learned from it all is that pushing away the people who love you when you need to figure shit out might feel like it makes sense at the time, but sucks so much more later.

Or maybe that was just me. Either way i've just been on the receiving end. Fucking fucking depression claims another victim and i fucking hate it. M started getting depressed after we moved to Melbourne, anxious too, for a number of reasons, and i'm just powerless to do anything. What sucks the most is i know exactly how she feels and even though i now know the right things to do and how best to help, it just doesn't work going one-way. She has started doing some of the right things, she's been to the doctor, she's becoming conscious of self-destructive behavior etc., but that hasn't been enough. A couple weeks ago she told me she needed to leave to figure things out. As much as i still mean to her, she needs it to be over, for now at least. She'd always been planning an extended working vacation over winter, but it wasn't going to be this. Last week we sent all her stuff back to her parents' place. This morning i dropped her off at the airport and i don't know when i'll see her again. And it kills me understanding exactly the thoughts in her head but also knowing how much i regretted making the same decision, and how badly it continued to fuck me up for years (!) afterwards.

Of course this was handled way the fuck better than i handled it. We had a week together to kinda say goodbye. It doesn't suck any less though. I guess i'm due some pain after all the shit i've done.

I'm starting a new job tomorrow. Yeah, new job, and i gotta deal with it all by myself. I'm excited about work but it's going to be really hard to stay enthused when the main reason i came to Melbourne has just left for tropical beaches and palm trees. I just gotta think about all the awesome cocktail bars i've found, toasty days wrapped up in blankets watching DVDs, great restaurants, playing basketball, going out to underground house music gigs, stuff i have enjoyed and will still enjoy. Fuck maybe i will take up snowboarding. The snow is only three hours away. I'm really convinced this new job is gonna be good too. Walking distance from home, downtown office, pay rise (which will now be eaten up by the double rent), successful company... It's gonna be good. Keep my shit together.

Incidentally NIN was better than i expected but not as good as i hoped. Not even close to substitute for a club night, but it was kinda cool to hear 15 NIN songs in a row. The stuff from Broken just went off. Hearing Wish and Gave Up on a big soundsystem was awesome. Ruiner was good too. Plus Trent got cranky at the smartass in the crowd who kept yelling out during Hurt and stormed offstage for an early end. Sucked at the time, kinda funny now. Adds to the experience. This weekend is G'n'R. This time i'm actually expecting a storming offstage (or a no-show), given it's Axl. Rose Tattoo is opening, which will add to the sheer bogan awesomeness. I feel like i should get a mullet wig and cut some rips into my jeans.

Anywho. Guess i will get back to mooping around the house and comfort eating. I have a whole bag of stroopwafels and plenty of green tea. I will make a green curry tonight with starfruit and pineapple. I think i might also finish watching Scrubs (season 5) and then watch Chasing Amy again. Foo.
Tags: career, crazy, depression, food, gender, looking back, music, my boring life, relationships

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