amw (amw) wrote,

sundays fucking sundays

It's always the Sundays. I know this, after years of living alone or with a roommate who worked all day, hell even living with a partner Sundays are always the most depressing day of the week. No wonder they chose this day for church. I know this but i keep letting it happen. If you go out you get up late and you've missed a day. If you don't go out, work is still looming and you didn't just have a fun day to prepare you. You need to get out and do something early before it hits you. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Getting screwed (again) by a supposed friend i keep giving second chances to was just the beginning to the wonderful day. Then it all just washes over, it's fucking freezing, overcast, i can't be bothered doing the shopping, i could be dying, i'm alone, i didn't go out last night even though i was invited because i didn't want to be the whiny person who can't talk about anything except their problems, i haven't written a song in years, what do i really want to do with my life, why the fuck am i in this country, why is it every time i try to do something to improve myself it just opens up all this shit inside, have i really got that much fucking un-dealt-with crap??? For fuck's sake!

Yeah i'm scared, as fun as getting a CT scan was as an experience it fucking sucked to know the things they were looking for. And if on Tuesday my doc says well congratulations we found nothing it doesn't change the fact i'm STILL in pain after almost six fucking weeks. In 2003 i had a scare like this where the doc originally told me i might have hepatitis but then went back and said i was okay. That was fun. I don't even want to google any of the shit i COULD have because it'll just freak me out more. But then if he says it's nothing again then what the fuck, just wait another few years till i'm even more nauseous and in pain and need a new liver? I need a fucking drink.

The worst thing is that now my work life is going fucking sweet as. I'm enjoying my job, i'm good at it, i like going to work, i can see a future at the company, my manager is reinforcing me. We'll see in six months but hey, right now it fucking rocks. Not only that, but it's the only thing at the moment that i've got that's mine and is getting my mind off all this shit. I just wanna know why there can't be some balance, you know? Why is it shit at work and good at home, or good at work and shit at home? If i want to be successful i need it to be at work and at home. I need to be able to be healthy and happy as well as savvy and hard-working. Fuuuuck.
Tags: career, crazy, depression, sick

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