amw (amw) wrote,

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Yanno this morning i was in a rush to get to work (or, to the physio actually) and i was all frustrated and upset about my job and what the fuck i'm doing with my life. Now i'm home, after working overtime, and i'm just kinda like meh. I wonder if that's half the problem. Work drains me so thoroughly that by the time i actually get ten seconds for myself my brain is so rooted i can't put up any defense. It's just like... hey... who cares... eating yummy fajitas, listening to some good music, i'll be fine. And then the next morning or on the weekend i'm frustrated again.

There is a great song about this, you guys all know it because it's one of my favorites. Soft Cell - Frustration. I'm not near as boring as that dude, but holy crap. If i ever have band that's gonna be one of the first songs we'll cover.

The stupid thing is... i was 18, studying philosophy and music, just released a CD, was writing music regularly... Then i thought oh no i'll never earn a living doing this, so i'll go study IT and get a job doing the same. Then i'm 21 and i'm like fuck this job sucks, but i'll keep doing it because it's my ticket to move to America on an H-1B. Then i'm 25 and i'm like fuck this job sucks, but i'm gonna keep doing it because really it's not THAT bad and it's letting me have a great lifestyle. Then i'm like 27 and it's like, okay, i'm STILL not in fucking America, and yeah i have enough money to do pretty much whatever i want here, but i'm still here and i'm still sitting in front of a goddamned computer screen every day. And now i'm almost 28 and hey, maybe this is my ticket to Canada on their version of the H-1B. It's definitely my ticket for skilled immigration. But dude! 9 years working in cubes! This is sooo not what i pictured for myself when i was 18.

I need to make myself do more music, do the shit i love to do in the evenings. I need to say, hey, doesn't matter if i'm exhausted or i feel like a zombie, if nothing else just pick up the guitar. Ugh. "But but but..." Yeah, i'm gay. Fuck.
Tags: american dream, career, immigration, looking back

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