amw (amw) wrote,


Something i've found uncomfortable for years is having people over my house or going over theirs. Usually i can avoid it and just arrange to meet up in a neutral space like a club or bar or restaurant or cafe, but sometimes the evening progresses to a house, and sometimes the day fucking starts there. Tomorrow i've been invited to a friend's place for Christmas brunch. And i don't want to go. It's nothing against them as people - they're my boys, yanno, they're my hetero lifemates (except we're homos of different sexes). I love them and we have the funniest times together, but i'm still uncomfortable going over to their house.

Last year when i was still with M she wanted to do a big Christmas. Her family always did the family Christmas thing, so she just wanted to continue that here in Melbourne. My family haven't done the family Christmas thing since the 80s, so for me there's nothing there... but hey, for her i did the thing. Cooked up a storm and had mates over for nibbles and chats. And i'm sitting there the whole time going when are these people going to get out of my house, why can't we go out to a club or a pub or SOMETHING instead of sitting here in my fucking space. And now this year they're returning the favor and i need to feel equally awkward infringing on their personal space. There's a perfectly good disco gig on at the Espy. There are a dozen and one techno, breaks and prog gigs on around town. And no doubt there's a metric assload of traditional pubs playing top 40 music that are open too. Whyyyyy oh why do we have to meet at a fucking house???

I don't know why it makes me so uncomfortable. I love all my friends and i really enjoy spending time with them. I just see my house as such a personal space. It's where i get to be me. It's where i get to walk around naked all day, where i can go to the shower or pee without closing the door. It's where i can get up in a cranky ass mood and stomp around without pissing anyone off. Where i can just watch stupid TV or waste hours online and listen to the music i love. I can cook the food i love. It's MINE, you know? Any time someone comes in and stuffs that up i feel so uptight and stressed out, like i've lost the only place in the whole country where i can forget where i am, where i can live in my little bubble of happiness. So when i go to someone else's house, i'm always feeling like i'm making them feel just as uncomfortable as i would if they were here. I don't want to fuck any of their shit up, i don't want to touch anything, don't want to grab anything out of the fridge, don't want to make a dent in their bean bag, don't want to use more than 2 squares of toilet paper, don't want to make a noise that might wake them up, whatever. And i don't like feeling like that - i don't like feeling like i'm upsetting my friends' personal space. Even if i'm not doing that, i don't like the feeling that i am.

And the thing is, fucking pubs and clubs and restuarants and bars were invented for this very reason. Their whole reason for existence is so you can meet up with friends and other people at a place that ISN'T your home. It's so you can meet up in a place where you're on equal footing, where you're not infringing on each other's shit, where you can both enjoy yourselves without worrying about how much of an imposition you're being. But then i still have mates who don't want to meet up at clubs, don't want to meet up out, they just want to come over and hang out - or want me over there to hang out. And what do you do? They're mates so you just fucking do it and feel like shit until you've drunk enough alcohol that you're too plastered to give a shit any more. Blar to that.

So right now it's Christmas Eve and i've gotten wasted so that i don't have to build up more and more anxiety about tomorrow. By being sufficiently trashed i can make it through today, just so i can make it through tomorrow. This is fucking ridiculous. I just want to go back to the Christmases when either it was snowing and cold and actually festive, or the ones where i just got fucked up and went out clubbing and fuck family and friends and just had some honest down to earth fun with no strings.
Tags: alcoholism, anxiety, crazy, freedom

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