I'm doing these things to cheer my ass up. It's Saturday, just turned afternoon. My friends left at some ungodly hour yesterday morning. Today is kinda the first day in a week where i can really chill. You know, i was seriously freaked the fuck out about burning_angel_ and suupernorton coming to visit. It didn't seem so bad when i said "yeah sure, come stay" a few months ago. Then as the date got closer i started getting really anxious and stressed out about it. Even though they've been my friends for probably three years now, it was still a really big deal to have them over my house.
Since the debacle of 98/99 i've always hated having people in my house. I'd just moved out of home into a house that was like the central meeting point for various people involved in the local rave scene. Everything went on under that roof. I'd come home and walk into my lounge room to see twenty people i'd never even met before. It didn't help that i lived with a psycho fucking stalker who broke into my bedroom and read my emails and had no respect for my privacy. My mom was always a very private person who didn't have friends or family over very often, and suddenly i realized why. Because people in your house fuck your shit up, they don't respect your belongings, your personal space, your safe bubble that you've created so carefully so you can get away from the world.
Or that's what i continued to think for a years. The last year or two i've been pushing myself more and more, and having my friends come over stay was the first big thing i've done for 2008. I am so fucking proud of myself. I know this sounds ridiculous to some of you, but to me... to me it's a massive step. I actually enjoyed having my friends over. After all the anxiety and stress, just being able to hang out watch movies, to provide THEM with a little safe bubble to come back to after charging round all over Melbourne during the day, it felt really good. I still don't want to throw parties or have random people crashing in my lounge room, but a friend is different. They respected my space but complemented it too, so it made me happy. I hope they had a good time too.
And then Saturday happened. Because for a week i was caught up in doing stuff in the evenings, not doing my usual unwinding ritual of hanging out online, typing up email, whatever, this morning i woke up and it was like... okay... FUCK... it's all built up without my noticing and i erupted into tears for about half an hour. Like the kettle boiling over, you know, it wasn't a big deal, not hours of depression, just suddenly my body went okay... fuck... i need to let this out. So i did, and that's why i'm eating M&Ms and drinking coffee and listening to happy music. It's making me feel better.
One thing i am noticing is that this month i'm not being emotionally healthy any more.
I was in a long-distance relationship for about five years, of which only one i actually lived with my girlfriend. The rest of the time was email, phone, whatever. And it was unhealthy. Because as wonderful as the relationship was (or could've been), it started fucking up all the other parts of my life. I couldn't focus on my real life because i was too busy wanting something that i couldn't have. Not only was i despairing the actual situation i was in but at the same time i was letting myself miss out on all the fun and enjoyment i could've been having alongside my relationship. I ended it in the worst possible way, but in the long run i think ending it turned out to be the healthiest move i could've made. And i swore off that shit for life.
So when i started talking to this chick from Canada on Myspace i was like no. No i am NOT going to fucking go there again. I hardly talk to anyone online these days for this very reason. I don't want to make friends i can't fucking hang out with. It's bad enough knowing i've spent three, five, ten years reading about the lives of people in New York or Virginia or Texas or Oregon or Indiana and i've never fucking met them. Hell, i read scatterbeetle's journal for several years without meeting her and she's in the same freakin state as me. It's stupid. So yeah, last thing i wanted was to start talking to someone in yet another country. And then start to find things in common and chat more and more. And then perhaps actually feel something more than i should.
But i did. And now i'm right back in that stupid stupid stupid fucking unhealthy state where i have feelings for someone i've never even met before and lives thousands of miles away.
I have a friend down here who's going through the exact same thing. He met a girl in England. God, that's worse than fucking North America. It's literally the opposite end of the Earth. He's finally got his visa sorted and will be moving up there in April. jenndolari is moving from Texas to Washington to be with her sweetheart. This shit does work. It does happen in this age of the internet. But it's still not healthy.
So here's the thing. In three weeks i'm gonna meet this girl and she's either gonna be all i hope or she isn't. And if she is then there is no fucking way this is going to get stretched out. I've been there, i've done that, i know it will kill me. If this is right it needs to happen quickly. And it will. I might be unhealthy right now but i won't be in a few months. That's what i keep telling myself, because any longer will destroy everything i've spent the last few years building up. I don't want to feel unhappy and stressed and need to explode into tears at the end of a week of hanging with my friends. I want to live and love and dance and enjoy my life to the fullest.